WARNING: VERY DIFFICULT TOPIC

HARD TOPIC.  VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC.  ABORTION.  Yes this relates to Childless Not By Choice.

Sometimes the world is just 'too much'.  That is this week for me.  We've hit that age in life that people stop asking 'when are you going to have children' (I think the grey hair helps) but seeing situations and other people's decisions still rip out my heart.  It is extremely hard when we live in a society where abortion is an easy and normalized form of birth control.  No matter your beliefs on this subject, science even agrees - abortion ends a living beings' life.  Period.  Yes, there are medical situations and that is a whole other discussion, but IN MY OPINION, it should not be a form of easy birth control.  (I understand that everyone has their different opinions about abortion, but this is my page - my thoughts - my opinions. Keep scrolling if you don't like it.)

That being said, it hits close to home for us when we have multiple friends trying to adopt and then someone we know decides they can't afford to raise another child and makes an appointment for an abortion.  Yes, they were asked if they would adopt the child out, but their response was 'No'.  They didn't want to know they had a child out there somewhere, but they were ok with killing it.  Yes, it is killing a living being.  This isn't a health situation, violence or anything in that realm - just they can't raise the child.  

This is the heartbreak so many of us 'Childless Not By Choice' families go through.  The expense of the adoption, not being chosen by the pregnant mother through an agency because we aren't blonde soccer moms and football coaches living in big houses, not able to foster because our hearts are ripped out every time.  Then we look for an open adoption to only be told 'No', they would rather abort.  

Welcome to the heartbreak.  The tears.  Why some days I can't function.  

I'm not looking for answers.  Just asking for understanding when my heart breaks and prayers for these families making the decision and our CNBC families.

Jenny

Why do I feel the need to apologize?

When someone asks me if we have children, I find myself apologizing...  "I'm sorry, no we don't.  We were diagnosed with infertility years ago."  I am not sure why I do this.  Subconscious guilt?  Feeling I let someone down? 

Society's expectations are so overwhelming that we tend to apologize for not living up to what they feel is normal.  For us, it is not having children. 

Sadly this has caused many people with infertility to feel the need to apologize.  So often I say it before I even realize what I said...  It's become an automatic response realizing it after I say it, then I'm mad at myself.

Here's to trying to reprogram my brain!  Repeat after me, "I have nothing to apologize for!"  "It's OK I do not have children!"  "I am still loved for being just ME!" 

~ Jenny

Two years later and still living with being Childless Not By Choice...

Two years...  has it really been two years since I last wrote?  I apologize for neglecting this page, it was not on purpose.  Sometimes trying to put your dreams behind you because you realize they cannot be reached takes a separation.  I needed a time out.....

We're back..........

I have been thinking about this page and everyone we have reached over the years a lot lately.  (Over 36,000 views since it started and over 200 just last month.)  I think it's time to come back. 

Are we still CNBC?  Yes.  Could we have taken a different path and adopted or fostered?  (Well, one adoption fell through and that broke my heart sending me into a tail spin.)  Yes we could have pursued all of those.  So why did we choose not to?  It's complicated.

My husband, Lawrence, just gave an interesting analogy....  The difference between a broken body and broke down vehicle is that with a broken body you CAN still keep going.  We choose to keep going every day... 

Our journey officially started 9 years ago here sharing what it means to be CHILDLESS NOT BY CHOICE.  If you are new to our page, please take a moment and go back to the beginning.

A quick recap of the first post in January of 2011:

I have been biting my tongue for too long. 
Every day we deal with comments from strangers, friends and even family - why don't we have children.  In today's society of medical advances, people don't realize how common it really is for some couples not be able to conceive.  And when they do find out, it's easy to throw out suggestions of 'why don't you do invitro', 'why don't you adopt', etc...  But they don't realize the costs associated with these options, invitro 'starts' at $17,000.  Then you have the offers of friends (bless their hearts) to be a surrogate.  Only to tell them that involves invitro... 

This blog is our voice... 
To combat the screams inside of us, when people take their own lives and children for granted, when you open that random box that we were saving for the nursery...  To cry with friends, and finally give a voice to our grieving.  And yes, it is grieving. 

We welcome strangers, friends, anyone who wishes to follow us, join us, love us in this new journey of our lives.

Coping? Some days...

Am I coping with being infertile?  Some days I do, some days I don't.  Today is one of those 'not coping' days.

We usually escape town or lay low for Mother's Day.  I just can't handle it.  There, I admit it.  But this year we can't, I have a promise to some pretty amazing youth to teach their Sunday School class - and I can't let them down.  I might crawl under a rock afterwards - but for that hour, they will brighten my day and be 'my' kids.

I feel so bad though, nothing my husband does right now can make this any better.  He can't fix it.  Every hour my eyes fill with tears but I do my best to hide it.  Hiding it is becoming harder and harder, he noticed it tonight.

Strangely I found a little solace in pulling weeds this evening...  I know, I'm crazy!  He was nearby woodworking and I sat there pulling weeds, loving on my garden. 

So tonight when I couldn't hold it together any longer, I had strong feeling to go out in the garden!  Yes, it was 11pm, I am sure my neighbors think I was hiding a body.  I turned the spotlights on, pulled back the netting over my herb garden and started to dig.  Did it make things better?  I don't know.  Did I stop crying?  Yes.  I gave my love to something else, to plants, to my love of gardening, to my cats, to my home. 

Some days are good, some days are not....

Time is flying by...

Time is flying by...  has it been a year since I posted?  Wow....   Has being CNBC become any easier?  No.  Have I learned to love my life?  YES. 

Even though we are not blessed with children, we accept God's will for our lives.  I am not resentful.  I am not upset with God.  Sure, I still feel disappointment or even jealousy sometimes.  But that does not mean I do not trust God's path in my life.  It's a daily challenge and a conscious frame of mind. 

The love I get from the children around us, the children we care for in our lives, our strong marriage and our ever strong faith in God is what pushes me every day. 

Is it easy?  No!  Is it for everyone?  No. 

But finding God's peace in our walk in life is key.  Putting our faith in His path - even if it is without children directly in our lives - is how I walk with my head held high and love for every child who wraps their arms around my neck every week. 

Here is to all the children, too many to name, who KNOW they are my babies!!!!  My loved littles, my loved big kids, and know would go to the ends of the earth for them. 

Prayers and hugs...

The Balancing Act...

The great balancing act....  (honesty post here...)

How do you balance being joyful for your mother and the other mother's in your life on Mother's Day, yet deep down inside feel horrible for yourself?

Honestly, I feel like crap inside right now.  I am not asking for sympathy or any one to pity me.  But it's the truth.  This Mother's Day is not the easiest for me, I feel like crap emotionally, but I want to rejoice and find joy in the mother's around me, especially my own.

It is not their fault I can't have children.  So why can't I feel more joy?  Why do I want to hide in the house this weekend and curl up in a ball?

I don't have the answer.

Please excuse me while I disappear this weekend, no offense to any one and I send my love to all the mother's around me....

"Infertility is like a spectator sport.  I feel like I am the only one in the bleachers watching everyone else play, because I am unqualified to join the team."  Meredith Hodge

How I feel inside today... ~Jenny

BAM!!! Hit the wall...

We are doing well, doing well, doing well, doing well.....  

BAM!!!!!   Hit the wall.

So often with not having children, out of no where comes the emotions, depression, doubt and every thing hitting you all at once.  But I was doing good!?!?!  What happened???  Prayers for strength tonight accepting our choices and position in life (Childless Not By Choice), praying and accepting "it is well with my soul"....  

BAM!!!!   Who threw that wall out there again?

Tonight is one of those nights that I feel someone is beating me with a baseball bat of emotions.  Questioning "Why not me?"  "Why can't I have a child?"  "Is this what you really want for me God?"  Oh my lands I just questioned God!!!  Yeah.  And deep down I still hear and repeat to myself the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul".

I may not like it, I may have to learn to be content with it, but it is well with my soul.

I still trust HIS will for my life and accept that there are things I cannot see or understand.

New Traditions

Finally, we have started to discover what we NEED in our lives to fill the voids CNBC creates and the disappointments in life.  In years past we have tried to be the normal family with preparations for the holidays:  stockings, Christmas trees, decorations, presents, baking cookies, etc.  I am not saying these are bad things!  Yet this year we tailored them to our needs, not what society says they have to be.

A smaller tree on the dining room table, cards received under the tree instead of presents, stockings and other ornaments hung in the window, just enough cookies baked to give away...  We enjoyed the smaller decorations so much more!

For me the few weeks leading up to Christmas can feel very lonely.  Not having the family we imagined and hoped for can be very depressing this time of year.  A time of year that should be joyous!  So what did we change this year beyond smaller decorations?  WE LEFT TOWN!!!  Ahhhh!  We left town?!?!  How could we?  Easy.

Leaving town the few days leading up to Christmas was the best decision we have made in a long time.  We were gifted with two nights away and chose to take them the 23rd & 24th, at first not realizing how important those two days were.  Removing ourselves from the days building up to Christmas released us from the expectations of society and stress.  We concentrated on ourselves, not the world.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven't sat there staring at the tree feeling like something was missing.  Why dwell on what we cannot have?  Why not rejoice in our blessings of an amazing marriage?  We can celebrate each other and create new traditions for our little family.

We quickly decided this will be a new tradition for us that we want to continue.

Stepping away from a time and habit that depresses me and meeting new people, seeing new places, and thriving in our blessed marriage has opened my eyes.

People may not understand, family might balk, but it is time to take care of ME.

I pray many of you find this peace in 2017.  It is alright to stop and take care of yourself, to step away from societies traditions and pursue joy in life - not dwelling on things we cannot change.

Did we make the wrong choice?

Yesterday I asked my husband a difficult question.  "Did we make the wrong decision in not pursuing adoption?"  I do not think he saw that question coming!  But he answered it heartfelt and honestly.  "No."  The full answer could go many different ways, but he answered it the most reassuring and comforting way it has ever been put to me.

"No."  And here is why...  In our lives we have had many ups and downs, but God has always given us a definitive answer as to our path(s).  We have never been without, we have always been blessed with what we needed and taken care of.  (Now I am not saying we got everything we 'wanted'.  But we have always had what we 'needed'.  That is a huge difference.)

But this is one 'want' that has not been given.  Childbearing has not been a part of our lives.  BOOM.  THERE. I. SAID. IT.  Am I being punished?  No.  Have I been neglected?  No.  Did God answer a prayer?  Yes.

What?  How could 'no' be an answer to something so big?!?!

God has given us so many answers in our life that made us see CNBC as a definitive answer.  A reassuring answer.  When life changes, moves, jobs and more are all answered - and answered to benefit our lives.  (Again I say they might not be WHAT we want, but were taken care of.)  How can I look at CNBC and not see how God answered us?  To be content with where we are, Childless Not By Choice, it's Ok...

To find peace in our lives we have to accept what we need rather than what we want.  Does it still hurt?  My lands YES!  Am I ok with it?  Yes.  Do I thank God for it?  Yes.  Does it hurt?  Yes...  Is it comforting?  yes...

Some people might not like this answer.  Mainly because they feel or want full control of their lives.  How can God not give me what I want?  The purpose in life is to praise God, not my happiness.  And yes, I continue to praise God through being CNCB, Childless Not By Choice.

(Sadly, not 10 minutes after writing this today I was confronted by a lady who's only care was if I had children.  And after finding out we didn't, she didn't know how to speak to us...  We slowly, sadly walked away...  again, not worthy in society's eye.)

"Disqualified"

One day I feel that I am slowly climbing the ladder, making steps mentally to stay above this diagnosis, then I get knocked back down.  Disqualified.  That's a new label/name for me.  

I received a phone call today from my cardiologist, that they are doing a study on the affects of adult congenital heart disease on child-bearing age women.  Would I be interested?  That I qualify for the study.

SURE!  Anything to help understand the problems women with heart problems face.  

The lady on the phone said she had reviewed my file and they had deemed me eligible.  Fine.  So we start chatting and I explained how my cardiologist, in THEIR office...  helped me find an fertility doctor, but sadly we have been diagnosed with infertility.

Her voice got really soft and she said "Oh....  You don't have children?"  

"Uhhmm, no.  That's what my file says."

She then looks at my file again, and finds where it shows I have no children.  She is sorry but I am disqualified.  

Yes, I wish she had done her job better and looked at my file fully before 'qualifying' me.    No, I did not yell at her.  My voice got soft and I thanked her calling anyways, goodbye.  

I pray she looks fully at the files before she calls the next person, just because we are 'of age' doesn't mean we have children.  

"Disqualified".  I'm going to curl up in my blanket fort for a while.

More honesty...

(From Lawrence)

So... This is the husband who is a little more crass...

If I hear another birth announcement from someone who is so uncaring so as to brag to me about it knowing our situation, or the next person who posts a "joke" online that they are having a "Christmas baby" thinking it will be a cute and "harmless" joke (hello family), *I'm am not going to ignore it and be nice.

Screw them, I'm done.  -  Lawrence

(From Jenny:  I decided to go ahead and post Lawrence's true feelings (*actually I sanitized it and took out the poop comment).  Sorry if this offends anyone, but actually - I am not sorry.  This website is to show the true side of being CNBC, right or wrong it hurts - and sometimes you just have to say it.)

The feeling of being left behind...

Am I being left behind?  That is how I am feeling tonight.  I want to be joyous for others, I want to be happy and excited for them...  Instead my anxiety is through the roof and I want to cry, crawling in my blanket fort and closing off from the world is in my future.

A few of my friend's with fertility problems have finally been able to have children or are expecting - and I am still sitting here dreaming, trying to cope.

This post is of few words....  just pain tonight.

I am not sure who drew this, but it describes me tonight...  thank you to who ever did.

Dreams... Part 2

Back in 2011, I shared what Lawrence wrote in my birthday card, 

"Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together; some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

This weekend was one of those times we have to realize our path in life is different than what we imagined it would be and let go of a dream...

We do 1860's historical reenacting and had a baby shower for a friend, who too has fought the CNBC battle.  Thankfully, they were blessed this year.  There are very few people I would pass this baby dress on to, but she is one of them.  

My mother gave me this dress years ago, in mutual hopes of our own family.  I figure 15 years is long enough holding on to it...  

As she read the card aloud explaining to all what the dress meant (I asked her to), and she opened the package, I stood there quietly crying my eyes out.  This struggle does not have to be silent, it does not have to be hidden from the world.  I have decided to show my tears, my pain, my joy in sharing my dreams with someone else.  

Again... "Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together;
some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

Who am I?

There are times in my life that I am at peace with not having children or being CNBC - but then there are times you feel like something is missing.  Trying to understand where the feeling is coming from is difficult, if not impossible.  Is it society?  God?  Human selfishness?

Did I miss God's calling in a small window I had to conceive?  Am I feeling society's pressure?  Is it my own human selfishness in my deep motherly instincts?

For a while I can be at peace with where God has me in life, I spend time with other people's kids - feeling fulfilled, feeling motherly, feel like I made a difference.  Then there are the times I second guess, I feel like I have failed.  I feel like there is a void in my life.

Am I suppose to make more of a difference in a child's life?  I come home from work and hug the dog, love on the cat...  but then they go back to sleep and I am sitting here alone.  I feel I still have more to give at the end of the day.

Am I wasting my life?  Am I selfish in not sharing my life by not having a child?  I want to say 'stuff-it'.  To kick these feelings in the can and again find peace in where.

Then the whispers start again...

"You are not enough."  
"You are not a mother."
"You have failed."
"You are not complete."
"You are NOT, NOT, NOT...."

They get louder and louder.  As my pastor said today, "We live in a culture that celebrates WHAT people do and not WHO they are."  I have done a lot in life!  Worked corporate, owned homes, small businesses and more.

But WHO am I?  I am a christian.  I am a wife, a friend, a supporter, an encouragement to people in my life, an aunt and more...  None of this society thinks or an illness diagnosis can take away from me.  We have to learn to be a light in the darkness of this society who want to make you into their mold.  YOU ARE YOU.  YOU, are not what society says you have to be.

I am NOT a soccer mom of three kids, I AM ME.  And that's ok...  I am not a stereotype.

But...  da da da dummm....   Does an understanding and acceptance of yourself make it any easier to deal with the daily flack from society?  I don't know.  Does it make it easier when an older lady asks if you have children and you say "No".  She answers the stereotypical "well you are young, you still have time".  Softly I answer, "I am sorry, but I am infertile and cannot have children."  Uggghhhh.

The conversation stopped.  She didn't know how to speak to me after that.  Because I hadn't accomplished what she & society felt I should.  She didn't know how to speak to me.  She couldn't see ME & WHO I WAS.  Only what I hadn't done.

Please don't look at people by what they have DONE - It doesn't make WHO they really are.

I love, I give, I care, I cry, I feel....    

How high is the bar we set for people in our lives?

Do you ever feel inadequate in daily life?  Couldn't perform a job just right?  Can't figure a problem out?  Can't live up to someone's expectations?

How do you answer someone who expects you to have children?  But it's physically impossible.

They automatically hold you to this bar, this level, a standard they set.

Them:  Do you have children?
Me:  No we don't.
Them:  Oh, you don't have them yet.

YET?  I wasn't given the option of NOT having children in their eyes.  From that moment I felt inadequate in their presence.  What a way to meet people.  People/society do not realize the sadness and depression they instill in your life everyday.  I walk into a room today and automatically see this bar, this level I am expected to live up to, yet I KNOW I can't.

Where is my rock to crawl under?  Time for a blanket fort and a coloring book...

With these unreachable bars set, what is our purpose in life?  For me, to glorify God.  Our purpose is not ourselves.  Our purpose is not our children.  (OH I know I will be stoned for that one.)  A friend, with a daughter, recently told me that she raised her daughter to stand on her own feet, not to rely on her, not to live vicariously through her, not to smother her.  She said so many parents glorify their children instead of God.

But what if you are angry at God because of being childless or something in your life?  I can't lie, some days I am for CNBC.  I wish I had an easy answer for that one.

It's a matter of seeing and accepting the life God has set forth for you.  Our selfish, human heart gets angry.  But who are we to argue God's path for our lives?  It might not be what we thought it would be - but it's how we glorify God that shows our strength.

I may be sad - but I am grateful...

What false bar are you setting for someone else in your life or you meet?  For us, stop looking at that bar someone else sets and look at the bar God sets.

Should we give up on our human dreams then?  NO.  NEVER.  But...  open your eyes to be sure they are made with God's glory in mind.  When we do, the let-downs in life are over shadowed.  I am sad in not having one thing my human heart desires, but I am grateful in the life and marriage He has given us.

                                  ~ Lord, I pray this pain in my life helps someone else.

Emotions.... What we show the world...

Emotions...   What we show the world and what we feel can be two different things.

I recently saw a photo from a photography website/blog that really spoke to me.  It showed how I feel a lot of the time.  I am not the only one, whether someone feels this for other emotional reasons or infertility.  Friends who have had miscarriages or lost a child, many of whom want to scream, but put on a face for the world...

You might see this picture as scary...  I don't mean it to be.  Think of it as emotions.  Wanting to scream, but going through life not being able to.

Childless Not By Choice - Infertility is not an easy topic to discuss.  So often (99% of the time) anywhere we go people assume we have children because of our age.  They don't ask, DO you have children?  They ask, HOW MANY kids do you have?  Having to explain you don't almost every time is discouraging and emotionally exhausting.

Is there an answer to it?   No, not really.    Do we keep living?    Yes.

Link to photo:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/276197389624130655/

We are not contagious....

I don't know why people think being infertile is contagious.  I don't know why people ostracize us.  They might not mean to, but it's true. 

The only time half of the ladies in a local group spoke to me was when I brought a friend's daughter with me.  The rest of the time it's like they don't know how to treat me because I don't have kids.  They feel they have nothing to relate to me. 

Just because we don't have kids, doesn't mean we don't want to be around your kids.  It broke my heart once when someone we hadn't seen in years blurted out "Well I thought you didn't want kids."    Lawrence turned around and said "WHO SAID THAT?  We never did!"  Bless Lawrence's heart, I walked out of the room and left him to fend for us...  I went and hid in the garage. 

One person asks us about us, our jobs, then halfway through our sentence they butt in, cut us off and start on about their grandkids, not letting us finish.  I thought it was only a one time, maybe twice incident.  Nope.  This is every time we talk to this person.  I am starting to feel they are rubbing their grandkids in our face because we haven't given any to our family.....   (p.s.  that specifically has been asked, when we are giving the family grandkids, and upset that we can't)

Some say I am over reacting, that this isn't happening...  but when this has been happening for four years now - I have to say there is a pattern.  It's time to break it. 

I do have kids in my life.  I do have good grades to brag on, funny things kids say and do, school projects we're proud of, college acceptance letters that were received (I love you Em!), and so much more....

Please help us break the cycle.  CNBC families do want to come over for holidays, do want to make cookies with you, do want to LIVE! 

Stop ostracizing............... 

"This was not our choice!"

I am sorry for being away from here for so long.  Sometimes it's because I am dwelling on CNBC and too depressed to write; other times it's because I am LIVING!  Living a life that I love, understand and accept.  (Other times it's because my computer went down... smiles...)

During my absence, a dear woman posted a comment on here.  Immediately when I read it, I thought "her words need to be the next post."  She spoke so well, reading my mind and saying what so often I have a hard time expressing.  I hope she doesn't mind...  I want to share with you all, that we are not alone. 

"Thank you for creating a blog about CNBC. I feel like these days it's assumed that if you want something bad enough then you will do whatever it takes to get it. So when my husband and I decided we don't (at the moment) want to go incredibly into debt to pursue IVF or adoption, that made it our choice to be childless. This was not our choice! It hurts and I ache for a child of our own, but I don't feel like the 'have a baby at all costs' persona suits us either. We don't want to put ourselves through any more of the emotional turmoil of 'trying' with IVF, and at this point in our lives it wouldn't make sense to go that far into debt to adopt, and then be financial unstable with a child. I think our society doesn't believe any longer in the concept of gracefully accepting your circumstances. It's not that we wouldn't change things if we could, but God put us in this situation for a purpose, and although we struggle, we know HE is in control.  - RB"

Just like my favorite song It Is Well With My Soul....   Because we chose not to go at it all costs, does not mean our heart isn't broken. 

How beautifully, heart breaking and honest written that is.  I have nothing to add - RB said it all.... 

Stupidity... "Infertility Is Part Of Evolution"

(Warning dear fellow CNBC, do not read this if you are sensitive today.) 

Get ready to see the snarky side of me...

Some people we meet are encouraging and a wonderful strength in our lives dealing with Childless Not By Choice.  When I tell someone about the negative comments we hear about not being able to have children, they are shocked that someone would even voice it, let alone think it.  Then we meet someone like this... 

A dear friend was faced with the stupidity of this selfish society.  A woman, who has children, publicly-openly stated her 'opinion' on why some women can't have children.  THIS IGNORANT WOMAN IS WHY WE NEED TO EDUCATE ABOUT INFERTILITY AND CNBC.  

At a recent lunch outing, this woman started stating her 'opinion' that the reason some people cannot have children is because it's evolutions way of controlling the population.  That there is something wrong with them and it's nature's way of weeding out.  And she added that they should be happy they don't have to worry about what parents have to worry about.


What?  That isn't just ignorance (Webster's definition of 'not knowing'), that is flat out stupidity.  And she openly vocalizes this to anyone who would listen.  Although I have never hit someone in my life, I dare her to say this in a room with a few of the CNBC families...  It might not end pretty.

It's one thing to be an encouragement to someone, it's another to tear them down. Whether you believe in God (like we do) or you believe in evolution, there is still a human decency that you learn to 'hold your tongue' and not tear someone down.  

It's the hurtful comments that we hear every day that make this even harder.  But...  it's people like my friend, who share her children with us, that lift us back up and make the ignorant woman crawl back to her own selfish little world.  

I call her selfish because she obviously doesn't appreciate her children or home, wishing she didn't have to 'worry about' the things a mother should.  Many of us would give anything to have those worries.  But with adoption being cost prohibitive or your health not being strong enough to have children....  many of us can't achieve those dreams.  

I pray that this woman's eyes and heart are opened to her callous words and attitude.  She could be an encouragement to someone, instead she chooses to cut someone down.   

"...every careless word that people speak they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgement."  Matthew 12:36

This is why I openly talk about being Childless Not By Choice and teach (or put in their place) people who do not know. 

Spring is almost here... where is my hole to hide in?

So...  Spring is almost here and I am already looking for my hole to hide in.  Why?!?! 

This year's CNBC anxiety started a little early.  When waiting in the doctors office to be called back, and everyone starts chatting in the lobby, going around the room asking "how many kids do you have?" or "when are you due?".  I slouch down in my chair and hope no one calls on me, like a kid who hasn't done their homework.  I can't pick up a magazine because they are all about pregnancy and motherhood (yes I was at that doctor). 

I handled Christmas pretty well, but now we have Easter and Mother's Day to deal with, which can be worse.  Easter started weighing heavy on me this week.  Yes there are the Easter church services, but beyond that we have nothing to do that day, no kids to hide eggs for, etc.  Everyone's plans that day are wrapped around kid's and egg hunts.  (I am NOT downing anyone for that!)  But...  when people ask what we are doing for Easter, what do I tell them? 

Having those feelings about Easter made me look forward to Mother's Day?  Uggghhhhh... 

Yes, I can be strong a lot of the time and talk to people who ask about CNBC, but sometimes my best coping mechanism is to walk away.  I gather up my heart, trust in God, and walk away from it all.

Dread...

This morning I found myself sitting in church dreading the upcoming year, another Mother's day.  (Yes, it's only November.)  I don't know why.  Remember, I said some days are good and some are bad...  I caught myself watching a mother with two little girls on her lap, and thinking how I would quietly be absent on Mother's Day this year.  That's sad and wrong of me, but that is where I am at right now.

It could be the holiday season fast approaching.  I worry that I am annoying or bothering our friends with children, bugging them about spending time with them.  Unfortunately I am stuck in the depression side of CNBC right now.  Holidays can be depressing.  I handled it pretty well last year, but this year is another story.  I don't want to always post the 'happy go lucky' side, I want to post the real side of Childless Not By Choice. 

It hurts.  It freaking hurts. 

I might be the Grinch this year and keep to myself. I keep trying to tell myself what I preach, "Holidays can be depressing, who do we share them with?  We share them with ourselves and with God." 

We can find ways to be happy and have a good Christmas, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. 

Holidays???

Recently we were asked, "How do you handle holidays?"   Honestly?  Sometimes good and sometimes bad...  That's the truth.  But there are ways to handle the holidays when everything is wrapped around family and children.

One thing Lawrence says is "Cherish the gifts you have, don't dwell on the things you don't have.  Especially, cherish your marriage."  So many couples let this tear it apart.  But we have learned to turn to each other more.  Yes we still cry and hurt, but you are not alone.  As special as children are and should be, they grow up and move away, having lives of their own - but you have your spouse for the rest of your life.  Easier said than done, I know...

We are blessed with very close family and friends who let us 'borrow' their children.  I occasionally go and pick up my friend's daughter from the bus stop and we go have 'our day', usually involving ice cream and a toy store, or the park.

For holidays, we go over and make Christmas cookies at our friend's house (they have 5 kids).  Our house was so quiet last year, I started to get depressed and made the choice to head it off at the pass....  I called our friend and asked "Can we borrow your family?"  "Sure. What are we doing?"  "We want to make gingerbread houses with your kids!"  And it was an amazing evening!!!!!

Even last week Lawrence told me he wanted to carve a pumpkin this year.  I peaked my head around the corner from the kitchen and asked him "Do you want to carve pumpkins with the kids?"   His face lit up and this big smile came over him "YES!!!"    "OK, I'll give her a call!"

Not everyone has that available to them - but ways to get involved in your community are also there.  Our county has a Community Dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  A widowed father we know goes and volunteers all day so he is not home alone.  He said it's the best thing he has done in years.

There are ways, but the most important thing is to not be alone, most times that is a choice we make. 

Mourning...

Most people do not realize that CNBC involves mourning.  Whether a person looses a child to an accident, to a disease, to a miscarriage, to anything...  our hearts still mourn that life.  I have had a very difficult couple of years learning to deal with this emotion. 

I mourn everyday.  Does it get any easier?  Maybe.  Some days.  I guess that's why I pray a lot for peace in my heart.  Some days mourning is screaming into my pillow, some days it's taking a long quite walk, some days it's being strong for Lawrence, and some days it's him being strong for me. 

But what makes it hurt worse is people who don't understand, and never will.  They have children.  They can never understand, even though they say they do, what we are going through.  And through that ignorance, (as Webster puts it "lack of knowledge"), some people say the stupidest things.  Hurtful, insensitive, rude, selfish, or asinine.  (Webster again "foolish, unintelligent, or silly, stupid").

We have heard them all!  But what breaks my heart even more, is hearing and know it's happened to new comers to CNBC.  I take a lot for myself, but it breaks my heart to know they will go through this.  

I've said this before and I'll say it again.  The best thing a friend can do is sit down next to me, listening to the silence, the birds chirping, and find comfort in that silence.  They don't feel the need to fill it with empty words,  as Daddy says. "talking to hear their head rattle".  It shows they are there for me...   no matter what.  

I have lost quite a few people because they don't know what to say to me, or because I don't fit in their little social circle of mothers.  "She doesn't have kids so we don't need to invite her." 

I pray tonight for newcomers to CNBC...  I won't fool you, it's not easy being CNBC.  But I will tell you, you are not alone.  

Is life worth it?

I have had two people write me recently expressing their frustrations, depression, and lack of will to go on - all because they can't have children.  I wish I could sit down with them, look them in the eyes, comfort their pain, but give them hope also... 

One, the husband was contemplating divorce because maybe who ever his wife then married could give her a child.  Gracious NO!  Another flat out saying they couldn't find the will to go on...  Again, society has brainwashed us to believe only by obtaining certain things in life will we ever be happy.  What a lie!!!

First off, divorce should not be an option. Unfortunately, having children is not in God's plan for everyone. Why? We may never know.  But we have to be able to accept these things to move forward and cherish our marriage. Society puts alot of demands on a couples that are not true. Having children does not always make a happy marriage. You two together can make a happy marriage. Yes, adoption is always an option. If you feel that is what God wants you to do. But it is OK to not have children. 

Does it still hurt? Yes, sometimes. But you and your spouse can be so happy, thriving on each others love, it can fill the void you once had. God gives us marriage to complete each other.  If I keep reaching out for a child, something that isn't in the cards for me, then I neglect and damage my husband, our love, our marriage...  Am I telling him HE is not enough???

That is so true...  by neglecting a spouse, you are telling them they are not enough.  

Yes, we WILL and DO go through grief, depression, hurt, pain, everything...  But at the end of the day - we have to stand up, dust ourselves off, cherish and love our spouse.  Never taking for granted their love and the life you have.

Adding to the family, our way...

I last said that, "No, I might not have a child in my house... but I have so many in my life."  That is so true.   

We added another child to our 'home' this weekend.  No, I am not talking about our four-legged children...  but a beautiful little girl.  Last year we were honored to accept the great responsibility of being God-Parents to our friend's three children, and last night we were asked to be God-Parents for another little girl.  

This is not something we take lightly, and no one should.  We are never guaranteed tomorrow, and we pray to never see our home needed in this aspect...  But it is with great honor to accept these parents trust.  

What's the big deal many ask?  It's not just agreeing to take a child if the worst should happen.  It's understanding & honoring the parents wishes for how they want their child raised.  These two families believe we will follow in their footsteps and continue the love and strong home they now give their children.

Thank you........  Thank you both for giving us this amazing honor. 

I heard a wonderful quote the other night...  

"God didn't let me have kids 
so everybody's kids could be mine" ~ Dolly Parton

So here's mine....

"No I might not have a child in my house...  

but I have sooooo many in my life!" ~  Jenny

When we think we're strong...

When we think we're strong, the emotions creep up on you when you least expect it.   Either I have been handling it well or hiding everything under the rug.  I'm not sure which right now. 

I haven't seen the movie Steel Magnolias in a LONG time...  Saw it on tonight and thought, "What the heck, let's watch that!"  I don't think I made it in the first 30 mins without turning it off.  If anyone remembers the first hair salon scene they discuss (and have to deal with) Shelby's health which results in her infertility.  I couldn't watch any more.  I just couldn't deal with it tonight. 

It doesn't help Lawrence isn't here.  The night I just need a hug from him...  But he can't help it.  (He's working...)

Normally, even right now late at night, I go upstairs and gently wake him just saying, "I need a hug".  He never questions me as to why, what matters most is the hug first. 

Does CNBC get any easier?  Nope.    Are some days better than others?  Yes.    Is tonight?  No. 

There is always something to post about...

There is always something to post about...  but whether it's uncomfortable or not, that's another story.  Talking about the uncomfortable is what this blog is for. It has been a while since I posted, but that doesn't mean nothing has happened.  It usually just means, I haven't found the strength yet to talk about it. 

Has anything changed?  No, not really.  We're still here, my health is so so...  we don't have any plans, and we still talk to people about CNBC.  One thing though, I write mostly about how CNBC affects me.  I show my emotions so much more than Lawrence.  But he showed them recently.  He is much braver than I am. 

This year, I escaped church on Mother's Day and went downstairs to take care of the nursery.  I think that's the only way I could have handled it, I certainly could not have been in service.  Because of my own feelings, not anyone else's.  But on Father's Day, Lawrence only said one thing about the day.  For him to say something, it bothered him.  (I won't share it here, that's his place...)

So often, we are strong for far too long.  When we finally let it get to us, does it ever.  The emotions have hit me a few times lately.  Seeing a foster child in need or up for adoption - but then realizing my health isn't up to it.   That hurts... 

I was asked recently for an update on here, so this is it.  Not much lately, nothing new, the same old same old society that makes you feel like you amount to nothing because you don't have children.  Yup.  I said that.  It's true. 

~Jenny

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Well said. 

People ask often "what are we doing about our infertility" or "are we considering..."  this and that...  adoption, foster, treatment, etc...  But no one asks if we are happy being just the two of us. 

I guess that is what we have been focusing on this past year.  Us. 

Society tells us that it's not enough, but guess what.  It is.  It's more than enough.  Our relationship is weird to most people.  We want to spend time with each other, can't get enough it.  We use to work together, go to lunch together, drive home together, spend all evening, and not get tired of each other.  Today we wish we still were able to spend that much time together. 

It's ok to be just "us".  I don't know if that will change in the future, but right now, I am happy with what we have.  Yes, I had planned and dreamed things to be different, but if I don't let go - I won't appreciate what we have now, and what is waiting for us ahead... 

I am sorry to have to address this, but I need to let some people know what is appropriate to comment on here and what is not.  I have the security settings pretty high for this site, having to approve every comment.  Now I am very thankful for that setting this week.

This blog/site is open to the public, that's the way I want it to be.  But it does not need to be abused with foul language, harsh comments or extreme venting.  A few nights ago, I received multiple comments for approval that were exactly that.  Cussing will not be approved by any means, harsh language or insults will not be tolerated, and goodness knows I understand we need to vent sometimes - but it needs to be kept in check. 

I will not disclose who tried to post these comments, but for their reference and any others in the future - please be respectful of us and others on here.  Your language is not welcome.  We try to encourage on here, not enrage.  Any comments like that will not be approved and posted. 

Thank you all for your support and sharing this CNBC blog with people in your lives.  People keep coming to me, thanking me for the support and strength this site gives them - the strength knowing that it's ok to speak up.  Hugs to you all, and we look forward to another year sharing this journey.  

Another year has gone by...

Looking back at last year's post, it's interesting to see where we are now.  This time last year we were being asked to be considered for a private adoption (which fell through on the child's family's side), my health was better than it is now, and we were still accepting our new found place in life with CNBC.  A year later?  Depression has come and gone, acceptance has set in, and we are trying to learn to be content with what we have been given. 

Many people have spoke to me, thanking me for this blog, for the strength to speak about infertility and CNBC.  We have reached over 1000 people and even into other countries.  That's amazing!  But also sad.  Sad that we have to fight for the right not to have children in today's society (whether we want to or not).  Society makes people believe we have to have children to be a real woman, or we are worth nothing and we are inadequate if we don't have children.  THAT IS ALL A LIE! 

To some people or families it means everything to have a 'blood' child.  Some of us are scared that our families won't accept an adopted child.  Sad, sad, sad....   

Some of us are told that we are not mothers and shouldn't care about mother's day, because our child passed away.  Are you kidding me?!?!?! 

Where am I going with all of this?  These are true instances that have happened to women recently.  What can we do about it?  Nothing?  No.  You can help me by honoring a woman in your life.  A woman who you know has lost a child, young or old.  A woman who you know is a mother to the children at church.  A woman who doesn't have a child in this life, but is an encouragement to younger women around her. 

Honor her, write her a letter, give her a note, a card...  Encourage her.  Love her...  remind her how much she is loved and appreciated.    Make this Mother's Day special for a CNBC lady in your life...

Do we or don't we?

Do we or don't we?  It's questions in every day life.  It's the question of do you wear blue today?  Do you eat chicken or steak today?  Every day we question what the next step and/or path is for our lives. 

For me the question still is in the back of my mind of do we or don't we foster/adopt.  Then I have a bad day.  Well not just one day.  My health takes a down turn.  And those days I feel I have my answer... 

Would my health handle having a child in the house?  I don't know. 

It's been a while since I have written to you all, that's because my health was going down hill and I didn't know what to write.  The one thing I have been doing different is that I have made a type of business card...  A card with this website on it and our explanation on it.  It is so much easier to talk about it and give the person a card with the website on it.  So far the responses have been positive, still so many thankful for sharing a difficult subject in life. 

Thank you all for sharing our life with CNBC, and those who share and forward this site on, thank you!  Sometimes I feel it's pointless, or lived-out, but then I find a person who hasn't had the strength to talk about it before.  Who we give strength to.  Someone who has been talked down to this week for not having children, now has the strength to calmly speak up.  To know that they themselves have the strength...  to talk about being Childless Not By Choice.

Sharing

Recently I had a wonderful talk with a lady I met at the gym.  She heard me say something about not having children, and wanted to thank me for speaking up.  That her and her husband are also going through infertility and that it was nice to find someone else open about going through it.  I really enjoyed chatting with her and shared our thoughts on adoption. 

It's hard to find affordable adoption options.  Yes her/we can afford to support a child in our household, but to put 15-20,000 upfront to an agency is impossible.  We're not going to mortgage our lives and create horrible debt, just to struggle once the child is here.

But I wanted to share with those reading this as I shared with her, a state option of adopting foster children without the huge costs.  She was very happy to get this information, which made me think, others might also.  http://dfcs.dhr.georgia.gov/portal/site/DHS-DFCS/menuitem.76e501556de17147077a8110da1010a0/?vgnextoid=de8a2b48d9a4ff00VgnVCM100000bf01010aRCRD

Now to my loved ones, don't get excited....  at this time we are not considering adoption.  We promise to let you know if we do, smiles.........

Right now I am happy with my god-children (love you S&M) and my god-pets (love you Suzy.  Yes folks, I have been asked to be god-parent for her pets)...  and our furry-children.  Belle says 'hi".

Love to you all...  thank you for still learning about CNBC.
~Jenny

A New Year...

What will this new year bring?  I have no clue!  But that's the good thing about it.  We have spent this last year struggling with this news in our life.  For me it's been a year of battling depression and trying to find my new place here.  I am so thankful for a husband that 'holds on for the ride' through all my ups and downs. 

Recently I have been able to talk to quite a few families about CNBC, ours and their own struggles, the reasons for being CNBC (child's death, medical, choice, etc...) and it keeps amazing me how many people are affected by it.  One recently thanked me for speaking up about it because it was an encouragement for her to hear someone else dealing with it.  So many women and men feel alone in this fight.

Recently we were blessed with friends honoring us to be their children's God parents.  Not just an 'awww that's sweet' gesture, but an honest "you are the ones we would trust to raise our children as we do" honor.  What an awesome feeling.  What awesome friends.  No, we might not have our own two-legged children; but the way we live our lives and love children is still seen. 

The question still comes up alot, why don't we adopt or foster.  I don't know.  Maybe we will in the future, but if we don't, that's ok too.  That's a whole other post for another day.

Back to what this year will bring?  I still have no clue.  But that's the fun of it!  Learning to enjoy each day that we are blessed with and continue to educate about CNBC.  Thank you all for following us here... 

If I cut my arm off, it's not going to grow back! This is no different...

I understand people get uncomfortable when the CNBC and infertility subject comes up.  But stupid comments rather than heartfelt silence happen all too often.  This has happened quite a few times over the last year, but I finally came up with a comparison.

When discussing being infertile with people, many start with the giddy-happy-laughing comments of "Oh, don't worry, you will get pregnant - it just takes time." - "You're trying too hard, just let it happen."  etc, etc, etc...   Yes, laughing, smiling, giddy stupid school girl attitude.  All of this being said AFTER I explain that I CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN.

Only once recently was I asked what was my specific health issue that is keeping us from getting pregnant.  FINALLY!  Someone had the guts to ask!  And I don't mind someone honestly asking!  (Thank you JSM, I love you!)

My tubes are blocked with scar tissue.  There are guesses at why:  ovarian cysts, endometriosis, etc...  but the point still stands.  If the tubes are blocked, nothings getting through!  Even IVF treatments ($17,000 per treatment) were less than a 10% chance of taking (and less than a 50% chance of carrying to term).  Not worth having us go bankrupt over.

But point being, MY PLUMBING IS BROKEN.   How can people still sit there and say "Oh you will get pregnant, don't worry." 

Comparison:  If I chop my arm off, it's not going to grow back...  So it's the same as saying "Oh don't worry, your arm will grow back!!!!"  NO IT WON'T!!!!!   My fertility is not coming back!!!!

Educating about CNBC is to teach people that it's ok to have heartfelt silence in a conversation. 

That heartfelt silence means soooo much more than words said without thinking.  (Lawrence said Job's friends showed wisdom before they opened their mouths...)  So often we stop thinking about what really matters, and just blurt out...  (Talking to hear our heads rattle.) 

It's ok to stop, think, and give your friend that heartfelt silence...  and a hug.

Am I thankful for CNBC?...

Am I thankful to be CNBC?...  That's a hard question.  I have to look back and wonder what if things had turned out different.  What if...  they didn't catch my heart problems when they did, and it would have killed me and/or a baby.  What if...  having a baby years ago would have trapped me in a marriage I didn't belong in.  What if...  what if...  Would I trade not having it for what I have now? 

What am I thankful for?  For a husband that walks this path with me everyday.  Who holds me up when life gets too much to bear.  Who can see the pain welling up inside me from any distance, who runs over and catches me in his arms before the first tear hits the floor.  Who knows.  Who hurts right along beside me.

Who laughs.  He laughs at our love, our joys, our daily ups and downs.  Who gives me such joy everyday.  Who never gives me fear - only joy, laughter... oh the laughter! 

Would I trade not having CNBC for what I have now?  No...  not if it meant changing or giving up what we have together.  And if that means no children, that's alright, we will live each day laughing and loving...

Love to you all. 

What defines a family?

What defines a family?  Just because we don't have children, doesn't mean we aren't a family.  But some people see it that way.  We don't...

Just because you share your love with something that doesn't share your name, doesn't mean it's not love. 

Belle, the basset hound who knows when I am having a bad day and lays in bed with me...
Ladie, the eldery terrier who needs my love, caress, and guidance to live out her life...
Tripod, the cat who kisses me on the forehead and loves Lawrence beyond belief...
Red, the chicken who loves to be held, talked to, comes to the window to get me to come out and spend time with her...
My niece, who knows my little grin and how much I love her... 
The little girl at church tonight who came running in and instead of going to her family, took my open arms and crawled up in my lap to quietly sit through a service.  Folded her hands with mine for prayer, who hugs and loves me. 

It's ok that we aren't the typical 'family'.  Mine give me more love every day than I could ever ask for....

How often do we try too hard?

I have listened to quite a few families/people recently who question what are they to do.  *A family being pressured to have more children (they have one little boy they tried desperately for and was blessed with, only now to be pressured about giving him siblings, but no thoughts are given to the difficulty they had to concieve him...)  *A family praying on whether to foster or not...  *A family considering adoption, the list can go on...

We are not sure what lies ahead for us right now, just following God's will one day at a time.  Sometimes in life we try so hard for something, but in the end it could be that we are fighting against God's will to pursue our own. 

Paul said "I have learned to be content in any situation", we need to sit back and see that life isn't always what 'we' thought it should be.  We need to look forward at what God wants us to be.  So often we need to sit back and contemplate our motives, what is really pushing us, and consider is that His path.  Always remember, what ever we do we must glorify God, and we cannot do that if we are pursueing only our own will.  Even Christ said to God, "Not My will, but Your's be done."

Thank you all for joining us on the journey...  it continues day by day.

Stand in her shoes...

This has been on my heart to write for a while.  But I trust these posts happen in God's time, not mine.  They get posted when He knows someone needs to hear it. 

Please try to stand in someone with CNBC's shoes for a few minutes.... 

Imagine this: 
You are just talking with a stranger, a family member, friend, an 'un-taught' person.  And the questions come like they always do...  "Why no children?"  "Why not?"  "You should."  etc...   You gently explain CNBC and the struggle to conceive.  Or you brush their questions aside not wanting to deal with it today.  But....  little does that person know, days prior you had a misscarriage. Or you took a pregnancy test for the 100th time, to only see it negative.  Or your period came again, even though you had had been trying...   Quietly you turn away from the questioner, slowly walking away...

Can you imagine that?  Many of you don't have to imagine it.  I'm not alone.  We're not alone.  You're not alone...

A dear friend recently wrote me that they were pregnant.  She wanted to tell me, even though they weren't telling anyone else for a while.  They had been struggling for years with treatment also.  I was so thrilled for them.  But a week or so later....  I got another letter.  She had lost it.  I wanted to climb through the computer....  I wanted to hold her sooooo bad.  I just balled and cried my eyes out for her.  She reassured me they were alright with it.  But my heart hurt for weeks for her. 

We forget so often of these women and men, these families.  All we can do is to keep educating about Childless Not By Choice.  I still have trouble understanding the people who don't or can't fathom not being able to have a child.  They are out there...  slowly but surely, we will gently reach these people.

Other's Standing Up, Letting Their Voices Be Heard

I saw this article recntly and wanted to share it.  I am very proud of these familes standing up against the sterotypes society puts on them as to "why don't you have children?".  We do grieve our unborn children....  there is a huge grieving process tied in with infertility, miscarriages, stillborns, etc.  These people figured out a way to have a voice.  The last paragraph speaks so much of the stupid, ignorant, stereotypical questions we are asked....
Please read below.... - Jenny

Event Allows Moms To Remember Child They Never Knew
by:  Savannah King - Gainesville Times - http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/section/6/article/57384/


The first time you see your unborn child on a sonogram machine is a moment you never forget.  The soft rushing sound of the little heart fills the room. The beat, a quick flicker of light in the center of a tiny body, suddenly becomes the center of your universe.

Sometimes, unexpectedly, that light goes out. You leave the hospital with empty hands.

"To grieve someone you didn't know is very hard," said Angela Ewers, founder of Rock Goodbye Angel. "You have to grieve the future that never will be."  After suffering two miscarriages and a stillbirth, Ewers knows the pain of pregnancy loss all too well.  She said she felt alone and didn't know where to turn. It wasn't until two years ago she realized she needed to help families like hers.

"There just wasn't anything in the Gainesville area for bereaved families," Ewers said.  So she started Rock Goodbye Angel, a nonprofit organization that offers support to families of miscarriage, stillbirth, perinatal and neonatal loss. The group focuses on helping the bereaved by bringing together other families who have lost a child. The organization offers weekly group meetings to give families a chance to talk about what they've been through.

"If you don't give people an opportunity to acknowledge or grieve ... they carry it with them forever. We're giving them a safe environment to grieve," Ewers said.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and on Oct. 15, Rock Goodbye Angel will participate in a nationally recognized Wave of Light ceremony.  "It's an opportunity for some families to recognize their loss and honor and remember their babies," Ewers said.

The free event will be held at River Forks Park off Keith Bridge Road in Forsyth County. Families who want to attend are asked to register in advance to ensure they will receive a free dinner and a parking pass.  Families who attend the event will light a candle in honor of their baby and place it in the lake. The candles will float on the water in an hourlong memorial.  Ewers said the best part of attending the candlelight event is knowing she isn't alone in what she went through.

"Sometimes there is safety in numbers, and being in an event like that just affirms that I'm not alone but also that they're not alone either," Ewers said.  Across the country people will light a candle for one hour at 7 p.m. local time, creating a continuous wave of light in remembrance of their babies.

"These babies matter to us. Their short but brief lives do matter and serve a purpose to us," Ewers said.
Rock Goodbye Angel is available to help anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby whether it was yesterday or 30 years ago.  One of the ways they try to help a parent grieve is by giving a charm bracelet. Since there isn't a funeral service or a grave site for miscarriages the bracelet serves as a physical memorial for the baby.

Rock Goodbye Angel gives a charm to the mother with every milestone she passes, like the baby's due date and her first Mother's Day.  "People ask me, ‘Now that I'm not pregnant and my baby isn't here do I still call myself a mom?'" Ewers said. "Their babies mattered to them and they didn't expect that to happen - but they are still a mom, a dad, a grandparent."

It's been a while...

It's been a while since we have chatted...  and a lot has happened.  Some days it's easy, some days it's not.  The craving is still there, the want to be needed by a child, the mothering instinct.  But then I pray for God's will.  To understand His purpose in this infertility.  Is it His protection of my/our health?  No way to know right now, only to accept it.    (It is well, with my soul...)

I have been holding back writing to you all.  I had something to hide.  I finally talked to Lawrence about it and he said I should write it.  Many months ago, we were approached, asking to be considered for a private adoption.  Our dear friends came to us with a family in need, care for their grandchild in their care.  Lawrence and I prayed deeply and finally came to a peace about it, Yes....   Yes, we would like to be considered by the family. 

It was a difficult decision to make, it would change our lives.  I confided in two great friends in my life, people on the outside, who would honestly give me the pros and cons, the rights and wrongs, the truth - without emotion.  One dear friend, her best advice was "whether you say Yes or No, both answers will be right."  She is and was right.  Long story short, the family backed out.  Trying to care for the child themselves, we understand and pray for their strength and health. 

That situation has put us in a whirlwind of emotions.  Some good and some bad, but very grateful for the experience.  I question if an opportunity like that will come again.  I question if we should say yes again.  Who know's?  Only God.  And I pray for His wisdom and understanding. 

I have met more and more women & couples like us.  Society makes the world think it is so easy to have a child, to start a family...  This sterotype we suffer.  You're 32 and don't have children yet?!?!  You are married and don't have children??!?!  Why don't you have children?!?!    Just a reminder for those blessed out there, don't sterotype....  Let's change the way society makes us think, let's educate!!!  Crack the paradigm, Lawrence says.  Normal is anything you are that God has allowed you to be.

Hugs to you all............  "learn to live life gracefully" - Jenny

Dreams...

I have been wanting to write lately, but unsure what to share.  I think Lawrence answered that for me today.  I found my birthday card tucked into my computer this morning, and here is part of what Lawrence wrote in it:

"Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together; some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

There was more, but that is between us.  But I feel this statement says it all, everything we have been dealing with and feeling recently.  Thank you all for your support and love through this journey....

Quote for the day, "well, If you are a mother"

I have been handling things, better...  for a while.  So I was wondering if this Blog had lived it's life, ready to be ended.  Nope, not a chance!  Today made me realize there are still alot of people to be educated out there about CNBC...

I was standing in Walmart picking out Mother's Day cards, actually chipper and not pouting or depressed.  I loved the cards from the dog or cat.  When a lady spoke up that she couldn't find "aunt" cards.  Smiling I said, "Oh, there's a few here" (Pointing infront of me) and stepped aside.  She found what she needed and started to leave.  Looking back at myself and another lady standing beside me she says "Happy Mother's Day, well..., if you are a mother." And turned the corner as she walked away. 

I stood there frozen at first, then slowly dropped my head and my shoulders went limp.  The lady beside me never said a word, and eventually left.  I held it together for a while...  (about 5 mins)  Then let loose...... 

Yes, I am the crazy lady standing in the walmart card section crying.

I called Lawrence for some reassurance, he know's something is wrong when I say "I just need a hug."   I stood there trying to keep the mascara from running, listening to his loving words and trying to regain composure. 

So many people out there need to remember and think before they speak.  I would have said something if she had stuck around.  I have been learning to, nicely and respectfully, quickly tell my story when the subject comes up.  Just to educate...  for those who are blessed.   Please understand there are so many of us hurting.  Who want to share in your joy, or who have shared - but have now lost their child.  This week is a friend's first Mother's Day with out her adult son she lost recently.  I am glad she wasn't standing there...............

Not just infertile...

This blog has really touched alot of people.  More and more people pull me aside to share their stories, encouragement, need encouragement, or just to say "I read it."  So many have just said "thank you", that someone finally voiced what they couldn't say.

CNBC doesn't always mean infertile.  Even I didn't realize that at first. 

Recently these stories have been shared with me:  a friend is CNBC because they lost their child in an accident, another lost theirs to a car accident, another gave theirs up for adoption because they knew they couldn't care for them at such a young age and gave them up for a better life...  Miscarriages, infertility, life and death...  there are so many reasons for CNBC. 

But every day we encounter people who don't understand, who speak from their ignorance (again, used as Webster uses it "lack of knowledge").  We always need to think before we speak.  So many of these people I meet have been hurt by people who, even after hearing there is a reason for them not having children, make jabs at them - purposefully getting that 'hit' in.  I have learned to deal with those people on my own, but it breaks my heart to hear how other people have been hurt:  being excluded at baby showers...  made fun of...  called out in groups... 

Is there an answer to it?  How do we stop the hurt/ignorance?  For those of us with CNBC, it's a personal choice.  So many of chosen to stay silent, some like me have found strength to answer honestly and finally talk about it, some fight back with anger...  (Which I know we all want to do sometimes.)

For now, I keep talking, sharing, and posting... 
thanks for reading...

"It is well with my soul"......... Who's 'fault' is it? Part 2

Part 2 - Who's 'fault' is it?  (If you didn't read the last post, you might want to go back and catch up before taking this one on.)

Tonight God really spoke to me through our music leader at church, a friend...  He explained the history to the song "It Is Well With My Soul".  The gentleman who wrote that song lost part of his family who went on a ship ahead of him on the crossing the atlantic.  The ship was lost at sea.  When he made the voyage later, he wrote this song during his crossing... 

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul..."
"...Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul."

We go through so many struggles and pain in life, yet we have to find a way to keep going, to be able to say, "It is well with my soul."  To accept the path our lives have taken, to be ok with it...  No, I didn't say it was going to be easy.  And no, I haven't mastered it yet, or will I ever...  But next time I am in doubt..  I will recite these words...   "It is well, it is well with my soul...  Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul".

Thank you to a church who doesn't mind me balling my eyes out while singing... ~Jenny

~It Is Well With My Soul
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul...
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control.
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!  My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:  If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, the sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel!  Oh, voice of the Lord!  Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, It is well with my soul..."

Who's 'fault' is it?

So who's 'fault' is it?  No ones...  but some days you question that. 

That has been my emotion this week.  I don't know if Lawrence has realized it, but I changed how I have been answering people who ask about us having children.  After diagnosis, my first response was "we cannot have children"...  but for some reason I have changed it now to "I cannot have children".  I seemed to have taken the responsibilty for it.  Because it IS me.  It's MY 'plumbing' that is not working.  And you do seem to feel responsibile.  No, there is nothing that I could have done to change things, it just happened.  But deep down in you feel a let down, you feel that you failed.  You feel you failed the family and friends that put so much weight on having children. 

How do I get past this emotion?  I don't know yet. 

Here's getting a little personal...  A few years ago, on a beautiful afternoon drive, Lawrence out of the blue turned to me and said "I think it's time we started trying."  I swear if I would have been driving we would have wrecked.  For him to say that...  was a huge moment in our lives. We were so happy, the world & our lives were going so right... 

It took us about another 3 years before we finally were pushed enough to pursue clinical answers.  And now, to have to look that man in the eyes and admit something inside of me is failing him...  that brings tears to my eyes every time.  No he would never say or feel that I am failure, but that is what I feel. 

How do I get past this?  I still don't know...  maybe one day I'll find the answer.

No this blog isn't to be a 'pity party' or 'poor poor me'.  But it is a voice, trying to understand the emotions, the ups and downs of this journey.  Thank you for choosing to ride this roller coaster with me/us...

The children in our lives, and the choice we have to make...

I was recently told about a dear woman in my life and her struggle for children also.  Finally when she was told she was unable to conceive, she made a choice.  Her sister told her that she would share her own daughters with her...  Unfortunately, Aunt Carol couldn't handle that.  It hurt too much...  Yes she was there for us and loved us sooo much, but she also pulled back.  Not everyone can totally understand the hurt Aunt Carol had, but I can.

Aunt Carol and I are alot alike in ways, but this decision is where we are different.  Whether to pull back, choosing to walk this path alone or choose to embrace the children already in our lives - it is a daily decision.

I am so very blessed by family and friends, who also share their children with me.  To have my niece stay a week at "Aunt Jenny's" (she compared it to summer camp!).  And as many of you know, I have a seamstress shop that I travel to historical reenactments with.  I have met wonderful friends who are so much like family now.  Their children come running for hugs, saying I am their second mama, friends leave their baby girl with me to hold and watch while they walk.  The children always know they will get a hug and be loved on when they come to see me!  This is the choice I make...

Yes, people with CNBC go through depression, but we have a daily choice to make.  And I encourage anyone going through this to open up, sharing in their lives the joy and the smiles...  Yes it still hurts, but oh how much joy and fulfillment we get back!!!  Lawrence just said, "You can choose to embrace the pain, or embrace the little ones..."