There is always something to post about...

There is always something to post about...  but whether it's uncomfortable or not, that's another story.  Talking about the uncomfortable is what this blog is for. It has been a while since I posted, but that doesn't mean nothing has happened.  It usually just means, I haven't found the strength yet to talk about it. 

Has anything changed?  No, not really.  We're still here, my health is so so...  we don't have any plans, and we still talk to people about CNBC.  One thing though, I write mostly about how CNBC affects me.  I show my emotions so much more than Lawrence.  But he showed them recently.  He is much braver than I am. 

This year, I escaped church on Mother's Day and went downstairs to take care of the nursery.  I think that's the only way I could have handled it, I certainly could not have been in service.  Because of my own feelings, not anyone else's.  But on Father's Day, Lawrence only said one thing about the day.  For him to say something, it bothered him.  (I won't share it here, that's his place...)

So often, we are strong for far too long.  When we finally let it get to us, does it ever.  The emotions have hit me a few times lately.  Seeing a foster child in need or up for adoption - but then realizing my health isn't up to it.   That hurts... 

I was asked recently for an update on here, so this is it.  Not much lately, nothing new, the same old same old society that makes you feel like you amount to nothing because you don't have children.  Yup.  I said that.  It's true. 

~Jenny

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Well said. 

People ask often "what are we doing about our infertility" or "are we considering..."  this and that...  adoption, foster, treatment, etc...  But no one asks if we are happy being just the two of us. 

I guess that is what we have been focusing on this past year.  Us. 

Society tells us that it's not enough, but guess what.  It is.  It's more than enough.  Our relationship is weird to most people.  We want to spend time with each other, can't get enough it.  We use to work together, go to lunch together, drive home together, spend all evening, and not get tired of each other.  Today we wish we still were able to spend that much time together. 

It's ok to be just "us".  I don't know if that will change in the future, but right now, I am happy with what we have.  Yes, I had planned and dreamed things to be different, but if I don't let go - I won't appreciate what we have now, and what is waiting for us ahead... 

I am sorry to have to address this, but I need to let some people know what is appropriate to comment on here and what is not.  I have the security settings pretty high for this site, having to approve every comment.  Now I am very thankful for that setting this week.

This blog/site is open to the public, that's the way I want it to be.  But it does not need to be abused with foul language, harsh comments or extreme venting.  A few nights ago, I received multiple comments for approval that were exactly that.  Cussing will not be approved by any means, harsh language or insults will not be tolerated, and goodness knows I understand we need to vent sometimes - but it needs to be kept in check. 

I will not disclose who tried to post these comments, but for their reference and any others in the future - please be respectful of us and others on here.  Your language is not welcome.  We try to encourage on here, not enrage.  Any comments like that will not be approved and posted. 

Thank you all for your support and sharing this CNBC blog with people in your lives.  People keep coming to me, thanking me for the support and strength this site gives them - the strength knowing that it's ok to speak up.  Hugs to you all, and we look forward to another year sharing this journey.  

Another year has gone by...

Looking back at last year's post, it's interesting to see where we are now.  This time last year we were being asked to be considered for a private adoption (which fell through on the child's family's side), my health was better than it is now, and we were still accepting our new found place in life with CNBC.  A year later?  Depression has come and gone, acceptance has set in, and we are trying to learn to be content with what we have been given. 

Many people have spoke to me, thanking me for this blog, for the strength to speak about infertility and CNBC.  We have reached over 1000 people and even into other countries.  That's amazing!  But also sad.  Sad that we have to fight for the right not to have children in today's society (whether we want to or not).  Society makes people believe we have to have children to be a real woman, or we are worth nothing and we are inadequate if we don't have children.  THAT IS ALL A LIE! 

To some people or families it means everything to have a 'blood' child.  Some of us are scared that our families won't accept an adopted child.  Sad, sad, sad....   

Some of us are told that we are not mothers and shouldn't care about mother's day, because our child passed away.  Are you kidding me?!?!?! 

Where am I going with all of this?  These are true instances that have happened to women recently.  What can we do about it?  Nothing?  No.  You can help me by honoring a woman in your life.  A woman who you know has lost a child, young or old.  A woman who you know is a mother to the children at church.  A woman who doesn't have a child in this life, but is an encouragement to younger women around her. 

Honor her, write her a letter, give her a note, a card...  Encourage her.  Love her...  remind her how much she is loved and appreciated.    Make this Mother's Day special for a CNBC lady in your life...

Do we or don't we?

Do we or don't we?  It's questions in every day life.  It's the question of do you wear blue today?  Do you eat chicken or steak today?  Every day we question what the next step and/or path is for our lives. 

For me the question still is in the back of my mind of do we or don't we foster/adopt.  Then I have a bad day.  Well not just one day.  My health takes a down turn.  And those days I feel I have my answer... 

Would my health handle having a child in the house?  I don't know. 

It's been a while since I have written to you all, that's because my health was going down hill and I didn't know what to write.  The one thing I have been doing different is that I have made a type of business card...  A card with this website on it and our explanation on it.  It is so much easier to talk about it and give the person a card with the website on it.  So far the responses have been positive, still so many thankful for sharing a difficult subject in life. 

Thank you all for sharing our life with CNBC, and those who share and forward this site on, thank you!  Sometimes I feel it's pointless, or lived-out, but then I find a person who hasn't had the strength to talk about it before.  Who we give strength to.  Someone who has been talked down to this week for not having children, now has the strength to calmly speak up.  To know that they themselves have the strength...  to talk about being Childless Not By Choice.

Sharing

Recently I had a wonderful talk with a lady I met at the gym.  She heard me say something about not having children, and wanted to thank me for speaking up.  That her and her husband are also going through infertility and that it was nice to find someone else open about going through it.  I really enjoyed chatting with her and shared our thoughts on adoption. 

It's hard to find affordable adoption options.  Yes her/we can afford to support a child in our household, but to put 15-20,000 upfront to an agency is impossible.  We're not going to mortgage our lives and create horrible debt, just to struggle once the child is here.

But I wanted to share with those reading this as I shared with her, a state option of adopting foster children without the huge costs.  She was very happy to get this information, which made me think, others might also.  http://dfcs.dhr.georgia.gov/portal/site/DHS-DFCS/menuitem.76e501556de17147077a8110da1010a0/?vgnextoid=de8a2b48d9a4ff00VgnVCM100000bf01010aRCRD

Now to my loved ones, don't get excited....  at this time we are not considering adoption.  We promise to let you know if we do, smiles.........

Right now I am happy with my god-children (love you S&M) and my god-pets (love you Suzy.  Yes folks, I have been asked to be god-parent for her pets)...  and our furry-children.  Belle says 'hi".

Love to you all...  thank you for still learning about CNBC.
~Jenny

A New Year...

What will this new year bring?  I have no clue!  But that's the good thing about it.  We have spent this last year struggling with this news in our life.  For me it's been a year of battling depression and trying to find my new place here.  I am so thankful for a husband that 'holds on for the ride' through all my ups and downs. 

Recently I have been able to talk to quite a few families about CNBC, ours and their own struggles, the reasons for being CNBC (child's death, medical, choice, etc...) and it keeps amazing me how many people are affected by it.  One recently thanked me for speaking up about it because it was an encouragement for her to hear someone else dealing with it.  So many women and men feel alone in this fight.

Recently we were blessed with friends honoring us to be their children's God parents.  Not just an 'awww that's sweet' gesture, but an honest "you are the ones we would trust to raise our children as we do" honor.  What an awesome feeling.  What awesome friends.  No, we might not have our own two-legged children; but the way we live our lives and love children is still seen. 

The question still comes up alot, why don't we adopt or foster.  I don't know.  Maybe we will in the future, but if we don't, that's ok too.  That's a whole other post for another day.

Back to what this year will bring?  I still have no clue.  But that's the fun of it!  Learning to enjoy each day that we are blessed with and continue to educate about CNBC.  Thank you all for following us here... 

If I cut my arm off, it's not going to grow back! This is no different...

I understand people get uncomfortable when the CNBC and infertility subject comes up.  But stupid comments rather than heartfelt silence happen all too often.  This has happened quite a few times over the last year, but I finally came up with a comparison.

When discussing being infertile with people, many start with the giddy-happy-laughing comments of "Oh, don't worry, you will get pregnant - it just takes time." - "You're trying too hard, just let it happen."  etc, etc, etc...   Yes, laughing, smiling, giddy stupid school girl attitude.  All of this being said AFTER I explain that I CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN.

Only once recently was I asked what was my specific health issue that is keeping us from getting pregnant.  FINALLY!  Someone had the guts to ask!  And I don't mind someone honestly asking!  (Thank you JSM, I love you!)

My tubes are blocked with scar tissue.  There are guesses at why:  ovarian cysts, endometriosis, etc...  but the point still stands.  If the tubes are blocked, nothings getting through!  Even IVF treatments ($17,000 per treatment) were less than a 10% chance of taking (and less than a 50% chance of carrying to term).  Not worth having us go bankrupt over.

But point being, MY PLUMBING IS BROKEN.   How can people still sit there and say "Oh you will get pregnant, don't worry." 

Comparison:  If I chop my arm off, it's not going to grow back...  So it's the same as saying "Oh don't worry, your arm will grow back!!!!"  NO IT WON'T!!!!!   My fertility is not coming back!!!!

Educating about CNBC is to teach people that it's ok to have heartfelt silence in a conversation. 

That heartfelt silence means soooo much more than words said without thinking.  (Lawrence said Job's friends showed wisdom before they opened their mouths...)  So often we stop thinking about what really matters, and just blurt out...  (Talking to hear our heads rattle.) 

It's ok to stop, think, and give your friend that heartfelt silence...  and a hug.

Am I thankful for CNBC?...

Am I thankful to be CNBC?...  That's a hard question.  I have to look back and wonder what if things had turned out different.  What if...  they didn't catch my heart problems when they did, and it would have killed me and/or a baby.  What if...  having a baby years ago would have trapped me in a marriage I didn't belong in.  What if...  what if...  Would I trade not having it for what I have now? 

What am I thankful for?  For a husband that walks this path with me everyday.  Who holds me up when life gets too much to bear.  Who can see the pain welling up inside me from any distance, who runs over and catches me in his arms before the first tear hits the floor.  Who knows.  Who hurts right along beside me.

Who laughs.  He laughs at our love, our joys, our daily ups and downs.  Who gives me such joy everyday.  Who never gives me fear - only joy, laughter... oh the laughter! 

Would I trade not having CNBC for what I have now?  No...  not if it meant changing or giving up what we have together.  And if that means no children, that's alright, we will live each day laughing and loving...

Love to you all. 

What defines a family?

What defines a family?  Just because we don't have children, doesn't mean we aren't a family.  But some people see it that way.  We don't...

Just because you share your love with something that doesn't share your name, doesn't mean it's not love. 

Belle, the basset hound who knows when I am having a bad day and lays in bed with me...
Ladie, the eldery terrier who needs my love, caress, and guidance to live out her life...
Tripod, the cat who kisses me on the forehead and loves Lawrence beyond belief...
Red, the chicken who loves to be held, talked to, comes to the window to get me to come out and spend time with her...
My niece, who knows my little grin and how much I love her... 
The little girl at church tonight who came running in and instead of going to her family, took my open arms and crawled up in my lap to quietly sit through a service.  Folded her hands with mine for prayer, who hugs and loves me. 

It's ok that we aren't the typical 'family'.  Mine give me more love every day than I could ever ask for....

How often do we try too hard?

I have listened to quite a few families/people recently who question what are they to do.  *A family being pressured to have more children (they have one little boy they tried desperately for and was blessed with, only now to be pressured about giving him siblings, but no thoughts are given to the difficulty they had to concieve him...)  *A family praying on whether to foster or not...  *A family considering adoption, the list can go on...

We are not sure what lies ahead for us right now, just following God's will one day at a time.  Sometimes in life we try so hard for something, but in the end it could be that we are fighting against God's will to pursue our own. 

Paul said "I have learned to be content in any situation", we need to sit back and see that life isn't always what 'we' thought it should be.  We need to look forward at what God wants us to be.  So often we need to sit back and contemplate our motives, what is really pushing us, and consider is that His path.  Always remember, what ever we do we must glorify God, and we cannot do that if we are pursueing only our own will.  Even Christ said to God, "Not My will, but Your's be done."

Thank you all for joining us on the journey...  it continues day by day.

Stand in her shoes...

This has been on my heart to write for a while.  But I trust these posts happen in God's time, not mine.  They get posted when He knows someone needs to hear it. 

Please try to stand in someone with CNBC's shoes for a few minutes.... 

Imagine this: 
You are just talking with a stranger, a family member, friend, an 'un-taught' person.  And the questions come like they always do...  "Why no children?"  "Why not?"  "You should."  etc...   You gently explain CNBC and the struggle to conceive.  Or you brush their questions aside not wanting to deal with it today.  But....  little does that person know, days prior you had a misscarriage. Or you took a pregnancy test for the 100th time, to only see it negative.  Or your period came again, even though you had had been trying...   Quietly you turn away from the questioner, slowly walking away...

Can you imagine that?  Many of you don't have to imagine it.  I'm not alone.  We're not alone.  You're not alone...

A dear friend recently wrote me that they were pregnant.  She wanted to tell me, even though they weren't telling anyone else for a while.  They had been struggling for years with treatment also.  I was so thrilled for them.  But a week or so later....  I got another letter.  She had lost it.  I wanted to climb through the computer....  I wanted to hold her sooooo bad.  I just balled and cried my eyes out for her.  She reassured me they were alright with it.  But my heart hurt for weeks for her. 

We forget so often of these women and men, these families.  All we can do is to keep educating about Childless Not By Choice.  I still have trouble understanding the people who don't or can't fathom not being able to have a child.  They are out there...  slowly but surely, we will gently reach these people.

Other's Standing Up, Letting Their Voices Be Heard

I saw this article recntly and wanted to share it.  I am very proud of these familes standing up against the sterotypes society puts on them as to "why don't you have children?".  We do grieve our unborn children....  there is a huge grieving process tied in with infertility, miscarriages, stillborns, etc.  These people figured out a way to have a voice.  The last paragraph speaks so much of the stupid, ignorant, stereotypical questions we are asked....
Please read below.... - Jenny

Event Allows Moms To Remember Child They Never Knew
by:  Savannah King - Gainesville Times - http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/section/6/article/57384/


The first time you see your unborn child on a sonogram machine is a moment you never forget.  The soft rushing sound of the little heart fills the room. The beat, a quick flicker of light in the center of a tiny body, suddenly becomes the center of your universe.

Sometimes, unexpectedly, that light goes out. You leave the hospital with empty hands.

"To grieve someone you didn't know is very hard," said Angela Ewers, founder of Rock Goodbye Angel. "You have to grieve the future that never will be."  After suffering two miscarriages and a stillbirth, Ewers knows the pain of pregnancy loss all too well.  She said she felt alone and didn't know where to turn. It wasn't until two years ago she realized she needed to help families like hers.

"There just wasn't anything in the Gainesville area for bereaved families," Ewers said.  So she started Rock Goodbye Angel, a nonprofit organization that offers support to families of miscarriage, stillbirth, perinatal and neonatal loss. The group focuses on helping the bereaved by bringing together other families who have lost a child. The organization offers weekly group meetings to give families a chance to talk about what they've been through.

"If you don't give people an opportunity to acknowledge or grieve ... they carry it with them forever. We're giving them a safe environment to grieve," Ewers said.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and on Oct. 15, Rock Goodbye Angel will participate in a nationally recognized Wave of Light ceremony.  "It's an opportunity for some families to recognize their loss and honor and remember their babies," Ewers said.

The free event will be held at River Forks Park off Keith Bridge Road in Forsyth County. Families who want to attend are asked to register in advance to ensure they will receive a free dinner and a parking pass.  Families who attend the event will light a candle in honor of their baby and place it in the lake. The candles will float on the water in an hourlong memorial.  Ewers said the best part of attending the candlelight event is knowing she isn't alone in what she went through.

"Sometimes there is safety in numbers, and being in an event like that just affirms that I'm not alone but also that they're not alone either," Ewers said.  Across the country people will light a candle for one hour at 7 p.m. local time, creating a continuous wave of light in remembrance of their babies.

"These babies matter to us. Their short but brief lives do matter and serve a purpose to us," Ewers said.
Rock Goodbye Angel is available to help anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby whether it was yesterday or 30 years ago.  One of the ways they try to help a parent grieve is by giving a charm bracelet. Since there isn't a funeral service or a grave site for miscarriages the bracelet serves as a physical memorial for the baby.

Rock Goodbye Angel gives a charm to the mother with every milestone she passes, like the baby's due date and her first Mother's Day.  "People ask me, ‘Now that I'm not pregnant and my baby isn't here do I still call myself a mom?'" Ewers said. "Their babies mattered to them and they didn't expect that to happen - but they are still a mom, a dad, a grandparent."

It's been a while...

It's been a while since we have chatted...  and a lot has happened.  Some days it's easy, some days it's not.  The craving is still there, the want to be needed by a child, the mothering instinct.  But then I pray for God's will.  To understand His purpose in this infertility.  Is it His protection of my/our health?  No way to know right now, only to accept it.    (It is well, with my soul...)

I have been holding back writing to you all.  I had something to hide.  I finally talked to Lawrence about it and he said I should write it.  Many months ago, we were approached, asking to be considered for a private adoption.  Our dear friends came to us with a family in need, care for their grandchild in their care.  Lawrence and I prayed deeply and finally came to a peace about it, Yes....   Yes, we would like to be considered by the family. 

It was a difficult decision to make, it would change our lives.  I confided in two great friends in my life, people on the outside, who would honestly give me the pros and cons, the rights and wrongs, the truth - without emotion.  One dear friend, her best advice was "whether you say Yes or No, both answers will be right."  She is and was right.  Long story short, the family backed out.  Trying to care for the child themselves, we understand and pray for their strength and health. 

That situation has put us in a whirlwind of emotions.  Some good and some bad, but very grateful for the experience.  I question if an opportunity like that will come again.  I question if we should say yes again.  Who know's?  Only God.  And I pray for His wisdom and understanding. 

I have met more and more women & couples like us.  Society makes the world think it is so easy to have a child, to start a family...  This sterotype we suffer.  You're 32 and don't have children yet?!?!  You are married and don't have children??!?!  Why don't you have children?!?!    Just a reminder for those blessed out there, don't sterotype....  Let's change the way society makes us think, let's educate!!!  Crack the paradigm, Lawrence says.  Normal is anything you are that God has allowed you to be.

Hugs to you all............  "learn to live life gracefully" - Jenny

Dreams...

I have been wanting to write lately, but unsure what to share.  I think Lawrence answered that for me today.  I found my birthday card tucked into my computer this morning, and here is part of what Lawrence wrote in it:

"Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together; some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

There was more, but that is between us.  But I feel this statement says it all, everything we have been dealing with and feeling recently.  Thank you all for your support and love through this journey....

Quote for the day, "well, If you are a mother"

I have been handling things, better...  for a while.  So I was wondering if this Blog had lived it's life, ready to be ended.  Nope, not a chance!  Today made me realize there are still alot of people to be educated out there about CNBC...

I was standing in Walmart picking out Mother's Day cards, actually chipper and not pouting or depressed.  I loved the cards from the dog or cat.  When a lady spoke up that she couldn't find "aunt" cards.  Smiling I said, "Oh, there's a few here" (Pointing infront of me) and stepped aside.  She found what she needed and started to leave.  Looking back at myself and another lady standing beside me she says "Happy Mother's Day, well..., if you are a mother." And turned the corner as she walked away. 

I stood there frozen at first, then slowly dropped my head and my shoulders went limp.  The lady beside me never said a word, and eventually left.  I held it together for a while...  (about 5 mins)  Then let loose...... 

Yes, I am the crazy lady standing in the walmart card section crying.

I called Lawrence for some reassurance, he know's something is wrong when I say "I just need a hug."   I stood there trying to keep the mascara from running, listening to his loving words and trying to regain composure. 

So many people out there need to remember and think before they speak.  I would have said something if she had stuck around.  I have been learning to, nicely and respectfully, quickly tell my story when the subject comes up.  Just to educate...  for those who are blessed.   Please understand there are so many of us hurting.  Who want to share in your joy, or who have shared - but have now lost their child.  This week is a friend's first Mother's Day with out her adult son she lost recently.  I am glad she wasn't standing there...............

Not just infertile...

This blog has really touched alot of people.  More and more people pull me aside to share their stories, encouragement, need encouragement, or just to say "I read it."  So many have just said "thank you", that someone finally voiced what they couldn't say.

CNBC doesn't always mean infertile.  Even I didn't realize that at first. 

Recently these stories have been shared with me:  a friend is CNBC because they lost their child in an accident, another lost theirs to a car accident, another gave theirs up for adoption because they knew they couldn't care for them at such a young age and gave them up for a better life...  Miscarriages, infertility, life and death...  there are so many reasons for CNBC. 

But every day we encounter people who don't understand, who speak from their ignorance (again, used as Webster uses it "lack of knowledge").  We always need to think before we speak.  So many of these people I meet have been hurt by people who, even after hearing there is a reason for them not having children, make jabs at them - purposefully getting that 'hit' in.  I have learned to deal with those people on my own, but it breaks my heart to hear how other people have been hurt:  being excluded at baby showers...  made fun of...  called out in groups... 

Is there an answer to it?  How do we stop the hurt/ignorance?  For those of us with CNBC, it's a personal choice.  So many of chosen to stay silent, some like me have found strength to answer honestly and finally talk about it, some fight back with anger...  (Which I know we all want to do sometimes.)

For now, I keep talking, sharing, and posting... 
thanks for reading...

"It is well with my soul"......... Who's 'fault' is it? Part 2

Part 2 - Who's 'fault' is it?  (If you didn't read the last post, you might want to go back and catch up before taking this one on.)

Tonight God really spoke to me through our music leader at church, a friend...  He explained the history to the song "It Is Well With My Soul".  The gentleman who wrote that song lost part of his family who went on a ship ahead of him on the crossing the atlantic.  The ship was lost at sea.  When he made the voyage later, he wrote this song during his crossing... 

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul..."
"...Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul."

We go through so many struggles and pain in life, yet we have to find a way to keep going, to be able to say, "It is well with my soul."  To accept the path our lives have taken, to be ok with it...  No, I didn't say it was going to be easy.  And no, I haven't mastered it yet, or will I ever...  But next time I am in doubt..  I will recite these words...   "It is well, it is well with my soul...  Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul".

Thank you to a church who doesn't mind me balling my eyes out while singing... ~Jenny

~It Is Well With My Soul
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul...
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control.
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!  My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:  If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, the sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel!  Oh, voice of the Lord!  Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, It is well with my soul..."

Who's 'fault' is it?

So who's 'fault' is it?  No ones...  but some days you question that. 

That has been my emotion this week.  I don't know if Lawrence has realized it, but I changed how I have been answering people who ask about us having children.  After diagnosis, my first response was "we cannot have children"...  but for some reason I have changed it now to "I cannot have children".  I seemed to have taken the responsibilty for it.  Because it IS me.  It's MY 'plumbing' that is not working.  And you do seem to feel responsibile.  No, there is nothing that I could have done to change things, it just happened.  But deep down in you feel a let down, you feel that you failed.  You feel you failed the family and friends that put so much weight on having children. 

How do I get past this emotion?  I don't know yet. 

Here's getting a little personal...  A few years ago, on a beautiful afternoon drive, Lawrence out of the blue turned to me and said "I think it's time we started trying."  I swear if I would have been driving we would have wrecked.  For him to say that...  was a huge moment in our lives. We were so happy, the world & our lives were going so right... 

It took us about another 3 years before we finally were pushed enough to pursue clinical answers.  And now, to have to look that man in the eyes and admit something inside of me is failing him...  that brings tears to my eyes every time.  No he would never say or feel that I am failure, but that is what I feel. 

How do I get past this?  I still don't know...  maybe one day I'll find the answer.

No this blog isn't to be a 'pity party' or 'poor poor me'.  But it is a voice, trying to understand the emotions, the ups and downs of this journey.  Thank you for choosing to ride this roller coaster with me/us...

The children in our lives, and the choice we have to make...

I was recently told about a dear woman in my life and her struggle for children also.  Finally when she was told she was unable to conceive, she made a choice.  Her sister told her that she would share her own daughters with her...  Unfortunately, Aunt Carol couldn't handle that.  It hurt too much...  Yes she was there for us and loved us sooo much, but she also pulled back.  Not everyone can totally understand the hurt Aunt Carol had, but I can.

Aunt Carol and I are alot alike in ways, but this decision is where we are different.  Whether to pull back, choosing to walk this path alone or choose to embrace the children already in our lives - it is a daily decision.

I am so very blessed by family and friends, who also share their children with me.  To have my niece stay a week at "Aunt Jenny's" (she compared it to summer camp!).  And as many of you know, I have a seamstress shop that I travel to historical reenactments with.  I have met wonderful friends who are so much like family now.  Their children come running for hugs, saying I am their second mama, friends leave their baby girl with me to hold and watch while they walk.  The children always know they will get a hug and be loved on when they come to see me!  This is the choice I make...

Yes, people with CNBC go through depression, but we have a daily choice to make.  And I encourage anyone going through this to open up, sharing in their lives the joy and the smiles...  Yes it still hurts, but oh how much joy and fulfillment we get back!!!  Lawrence just said, "You can choose to embrace the pain, or embrace the little ones..."

The Voices...

Starting this post has opened a large can of worms so to speak.  It has given strength and a voice to quite a few people, who I am not sure, would have said anything otherwise.  These words below are not mine, but we all speak from the same broken heart.  Here are a few quotes from them, not naming names, but just to show - we are not alone...


"What made me angriest though was when strangers looked at me and my age and asked, Why don't you have any kids, or you better get busy with having children.  Some of this from my own family!"

"Good for you but sad that u need to explain.  I have had people tell me that I am not an actual parent since I only have one!  People seem to think  they have the 'right' to say anything they want now days...  Sometimes it's not a choice."

"It's been 12 years of trying...  I too have had to answer those same questions and I firmly believe that until someone goes through it they have no idea how it feels.  People just assume that because you are a young married couple that you should have children, they don't stop to think before opening their mouth."

"The grief I feel is something that others do not realize."

"Sometimes it's not a lifestyle choice...  it is a God choice."

"Just as a person born into prosperity cannot understand what it is to be poor; a person who does not share this affliction cannot understand what we go through."


And the voices keep coming...  We do not mean to guilt anyone in what we say and reveal here.  But looking into our lives, gives this world a better appreciation, understanding, and hopefully a moment of thought - before any words are spoken in ignorance.  And I am using that term as Webster uses it.  "Ignorance: a lack of knowledge, learning, and information."

This blog has already been viewed 77 times since original posting...  It will be interesting to see where it goes from here. 

And the ride begins...

I have been biting my tongue for too long. 
Every day we deal with comments from strangers, friends and even family - why don't we have children.  In today's society of medical advances, people don't realize how common it really is for some couples not be able to concieve.  And when they do find out, it's easy to to throw out suggestions of why don't you do invitro, why don't you adopt, etc...  But they don't realize the costs associated with these options, invitro 'starts' at $17,000.  Then you have the offers of friends (bless their hearts) to be a surrogate.  Only to tell them that involves invitro... 

This blog is our voice... 
To combat the screams inside of us, when people take their own lives and children for granted, when you open that random box that we were saving for the nursery...  To cry with friends, and finally give a voice to our grieving.  And yes, it is grieving. 

We welcome strangers, friends, anyone who wishes to follow us, join us, love us in this new journey of our lives.