It’s not just the woman who grieves infertility…
So often the emotional weight and pain of infertility is
seen as the woman’s burden, but it is not.
In some relationships, especially a strong marriage like ours, men go
through similar emotions, grief, shared pain and often heartbreaking, depression
ensuing chapters of their life.
Recently it was said to us, regarding not being able to get
pregnant, that men don’t understand the pain and emotions that women go through. That nobody understands what women go through
except other women. (Side note, men can have physical infertility too.)
My hackles immediately went up and my brain went on the
defense remembering my husband’s struggles and all the times he stood beside
me, defended us and I truly believe felt my physical pain. I didn’t lash out at the person, but thought
it was a topic that needed to be addressed.
Men go through their own emotions AND MANY TIMES SHARE their
partner’s pain, grief, depression and more…
Not all men are open to discussing their feelings and my
husband doesn’t always voice his. This stood
out to me one day, when out of the blue he said “this is type of thing I wanted
to share with our kids, this is the type of thing I saw myself doing with
them.” My jaw dropped and my heart sank
hearing those words come out of his mouth.
I was crushed, knowing at that moment he was sharing a side that he
didn’t show very often and the pain he was revealing.
Sharing his hopes of having children, his dreams of a family
and his heartbreak of not becoming a father.
Envisioning the dreams and moments in life that he thought he would
have, but doesn’t….
Society and culture has a way of making you feel inadequate
if you are not following the normal way of things. Not having children sets people like us apart
– we are not part of that ‘normal’. It
was recently said in conversation with us that “nature has no use for you
anymore not being able to have children”.
So are we no use to the world? To society?
To the common good? To God? These are the pressures and hardships that are
added to the infertility journey, a journey that is hard enough to begin with.
I pray a little education, compassion and understanding goes
a long way. I try not to get angry at
those who don’t know and gently educate them, but then sometimes a little righteous
anger bubbles up and I defend our ‘family’ and infertility lifestyle.
~Jenny
