Sunday, December 27, 2015

More honesty...

(From Lawrence)

So... This is the husband who is a little more crass...

If I hear another birth announcement from someone who is so uncaring so as to brag to me about it knowing our situation, or the next person who posts a "joke" online that they are having a "Christmas baby" thinking it will be a cute and "harmless" joke (hello family), *I'm am not going to ignore it and be nice.

Screw them, I'm done.  -  Lawrence

(From Jenny:  I decided to go ahead and post Lawrence's true feelings (*actually I sanitized it and took out the poop comment).  Sorry if this offends anyone, but actually - I am not sorry.  This website is to show the true side of being CNBC, right or wrong it hurts - and sometimes you just have to say it.)

The feeling of being left behind...

Am I being left behind?  That is how I am feeling tonight.  I want to be joyous for others, I want to be happy and excited for them...  Instead my anxiety is through the roof and I want to cry, crawling in my blanket fort and closing off from the world is in my future.

A few of my friend's with fertility problems have finally been able to have children or are expecting - and I am still sitting here dreaming, trying to cope.

This post is of few words....  just pain tonight.

I am not sure who drew this, but it describes me tonight...  thank you to who ever did.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Dreams... Part 2

Back in 2011, I shared what Lawrence wrote in my birthday card, 

"Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together; some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

This weekend was one of those times we have to realize our path in life is different than what we imagined it would be and let go of a dream...

We do 1860's historical reenacting and had a baby shower for a friend, who too has fought the CNBC battle.  Thankfully, they were blessed this year.  There are very few people I would pass this baby dress on to, but she is one of them.  

My mother gave me this dress years ago, in mutual hopes of our own family.  I figure 15 years is long enough holding on to it...  

As she read the card aloud explaining to all what the dress meant (I asked her to), and she opened the package, I stood there quietly crying my eyes out.  This struggle does not have to be silent, it does not have to be hidden from the world.  I have decided to show my tears, my pain, my joy in sharing my dreams with someone else.  

Again... "Throughout our lives, we will have many dreams together;
some will come true while others will remain just dreams..."

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Who am I?

There are times in my life that I am at peace with not having children or being CNBC - but then there are times you feel like something is missing.  Trying to understand where the feeling is coming from is difficult, if not impossible.  Is it society?  God?  Human selfishness?

Did I miss God's calling in a small window I had to conceive?  Am I feeling society's pressure?  Is it my own human selfishness in my deep motherly instincts?

For a while I can be at peace with where God has me in life, I spend time with other people's kids - feeling fulfilled, feeling motherly, feel like I made a difference.  Then there are the times I second guess, I feel like I have failed.  I feel like there is a void in my life.

Am I suppose to make more of a difference in a child's life?  I come home from work and hug the dog, love on the cat...  but then they go back to sleep and I am sitting here alone.  I feel I still have more to give at the end of the day.

Am I wasting my life?  Am I selfish in not sharing my life by not having a child?  I want to say 'stuff-it'.  To kick these feelings in the can and again find peace in where.

Then the whispers start again...

"You are not enough."  
"You are not a mother."
"You have failed."
"You are not complete."
"You are NOT, NOT, NOT...."

They get louder and louder.  As my pastor said today, "We live in a culture that celebrates WHAT people do and not WHO they are."  I have done a lot in life!  Worked corporate, owned homes, small businesses and more.

But WHO am I?  I am a christian.  I am a wife, a friend, a supporter, an encouragement to people in my life, an aunt and more...  None of this society thinks or an illness diagnosis can take away from me.  We have to learn to be a light in the darkness of this society who want to make you into their mold.  YOU ARE YOU.  YOU, are not what society says you have to be.

I am NOT a soccer mom of three kids, I AM ME.  And that's ok...  I am not a stereotype.

But...  da da da dummm....   Does an understanding and acceptance of yourself make it any easier to deal with the daily flack from society?  I don't know.  Does it make it easier when an older lady asks if you have children and you say "No".  She answers the stereotypical "well you are young, you still have time".  Softly I answer, "I am sorry, but I am infertile and cannot have children."  Uggghhhh.

The conversation stopped.  She didn't know how to speak to me after that.  Because I hadn't accomplished what she & society felt I should.  She didn't know how to speak to me.  She couldn't see ME & WHO I WAS.  Only what I hadn't done.

Please don't look at people by what they have DONE - It doesn't make WHO they really are.

I love, I give, I care, I cry, I feel....    

Sunday, May 31, 2015

How high is the bar we set for people in our lives?

Do you ever feel inadequate in daily life?  Couldn't perform a job just right?  Can't figure a problem out?  Can't live up to someone's expectations?

How do you answer someone who expects you to have children?  But it's physically impossible.

They automatically hold you to this bar, this level, a standard they set.

Them:  Do you have children?
Me:  No we don't.
Them:  Oh, you don't have them yet.

YET?  I wasn't given the option of NOT having children in their eyes.  From that moment I felt inadequate in their presence.  What a way to meet people.  People/society do not realize the sadness and depression they instill in your life everyday.  I walk into a room today and automatically see this bar, this level I am expected to live up to, yet I KNOW I can't.

Where is my rock to crawl under?  Time for a blanket fort and a coloring book...

With these unreachable bars set, what is our purpose in life?  For me, to glorify God.  Our purpose is not ourselves.  Our purpose is not our children.  (OH I know I will be stoned for that one.)  A friend, with a daughter, recently told me that she raised her daughter to stand on her own feet, not to rely on her, not to live vicariously through her, not to smother her.  She said so many parents glorify their children instead of God.

But what if you are angry at God because of being childless or something in your life?  I can't lie, some days I am for CNBC.  I wish I had an easy answer for that one.

It's a matter of seeing and accepting the life God has set forth for you.  Our selfish, human heart gets angry.  But who are we to argue God's path for our lives?  It might not be what we thought it would be - but it's how we glorify God that shows our strength.

I may be sad - but I am grateful...

What false bar are you setting for someone else in your life or you meet?  For us, stop looking at that bar someone else sets and look at the bar God sets.

Should we give up on our human dreams then?  NO.  NEVER.  But...  open your eyes to be sure they are made with God's glory in mind.  When we do, the let-downs in life are over shadowed.  I am sad in not having one thing my human heart desires, but I am grateful in the life and marriage He has given us.

                                  ~ Lord, I pray this pain in my life helps someone else.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Emotions.... What we show the world...

Emotions...   What we show the world and what we feel can be two different things.

I recently saw a photo from a photography website/blog that really spoke to me.  It showed how I feel a lot of the time.  I am not the only one, whether someone feels this for other emotional reasons or infertility.  Friends who have had miscarriages or lost a child, many of whom want to scream, but put on a face for the world...

You might see this picture as scary...  I don't mean it to be.  Think of it as emotions.  Wanting to scream, but going through life not being able to.

Childless Not By Choice - Infertility is not an easy topic to discuss.  So often (99% of the time) anywhere we go people assume we have children because of our age.  They don't ask, DO you have children?  They ask, HOW MANY kids do you have?  Having to explain you don't almost every time is discouraging and emotionally exhausting.

Is there an answer to it?   No, not really.    Do we keep living?    Yes.

Link to photo: