Sunday, November 17, 2013


This morning I found myself sitting in church dreading the upcoming year, another Mother's day.  (Yes, it's only November.)  I don't know why.  Remember, I said some days are good and some are bad...  I caught myself watching a mother with two little girls on her lap, and thinking how I would quietly be absent on Mother's Day this year.  That's sad and wrong of me, but that is where I am at right now.

It could be the holiday season fast approaching.  I worry that I am annoying or bothering our friends with children, bugging them about spending time with them.  Unfortunately I am stuck in the depression side of CNBC right now.  Holidays can be depressing.  I handled it pretty well last year, but this year is another story.  I don't want to always post the 'happy go lucky' side, I want to post the real side of Childless Not By Choice. 

It hurts.  It freaking hurts. 

I might be the Grinch this year and keep to myself. I keep trying to tell myself what I preach, "Holidays can be depressing, who do we share them with?  We share them with ourselves and with God." 

We can find ways to be happy and have a good Christmas, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013


Recently we were asked, "How do you handle holidays?"   Honestly?  Sometimes good and sometimes bad...  That's the truth.  But there are ways to handle the holidays when everything is wrapped around family and children.

One thing Lawrence says is "Cherish the gifts you have, don't dwell on the things you don't have.  Especially, cherish your marriage."  So many couples let this tear it apart.  But we have learned to turn to each other more.  Yes we still cry and hurt, but you are not alone.  As special as children are and should be, they grow up and move away, having lives of their own - but you have your spouse for the rest of your life.  Easier said than done, I know...

We are blessed with very close family and friends who let us 'borrow' their children.  I occasionally go and pick up my friend's daughter from the bus stop and we go have 'our day', usually involving ice cream and a toy store, or the park.

For holidays, we go over and make Christmas cookies at our friend's house (they have 5 kids).  Our house was so quiet last year, I started to get depressed and made the choice to head it off at the pass....  I called our friend and asked "Can we borrow your family?"  "Sure. What are we doing?"  "We want to make gingerbread houses with your kids!"  And it was an amazing evening!!!!!

Even last week Lawrence told me he wanted to carve a pumpkin this year.  I peaked my head around the corner from the kitchen and asked him "Do you want to carve pumpkins with the kids?"   His face lit up and this big smile came over him "YES!!!"    "OK, I'll give her a call!"

Not everyone has that available to them - but ways to get involved in your community are also there.  Our county has a Community Dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  A widowed father we know goes and volunteers all day so he is not home alone.  He said it's the best thing he has done in years.

There are ways, but the most important thing is to not be alone, most times that is a choice we make. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Most people do not realize that CNBC involves mourning.  Whether a person looses a child to an accident, to a disease, to a miscarriage, to anything...  our hearts still mourn that life.  I have had a very difficult couple of years learning to deal with this emotion. 

I mourn everyday.  Does it get any easier?  Maybe.  Some days.  I guess that's why I pray a lot for peace in my heart.  Some days mourning is screaming into my pillow, some days it's taking a long quite walk, some days it's being strong for Lawrence, and some days it's him being strong for me. 

But what makes it hurt worse is people who don't understand, and never will.  They have children.  They can never understand, even though they say they do, what we are going through.  And through that ignorance, (as Webster puts it "lack of knowledge"), some people say the stupidest things.  Hurtful, insensitive, rude, selfish, or asinine.  (Webster again "foolish, unintelligent, or silly, stupid").

We have heard them all!  But what breaks my heart even more, is hearing and know it's happened to new comers to CNBC.  I take a lot for myself, but it breaks my heart to know they will go through this.  

I've said this before and I'll say it again.  The best thing a friend can do is sit down next to me, listening to the silence, the birds chirping, and find comfort in that silence.  They don't feel the need to fill it with empty words,  as Daddy says. "talking to hear their head rattle".  It shows they are there for me...   no matter what.  

I have lost quite a few people because they don't know what to say to me, or because I don't fit in their little social circle of mothers.  "She doesn't have kids so we don't need to invite her." 

I pray tonight for newcomers to CNBC...  I won't fool you, it's not easy being CNBC.  But I will tell you, you are not alone.  

Monday, February 4, 2013

Is life worth it?

I have had two people write me recently expressing their frustrations, depression, and lack of will to go on - all because they can't have children.  I wish I could sit down with them, look them in the eyes, comfort their pain, but give them hope also... 

One, the husband was contemplating divorce because maybe who ever his wife then married could give her a child.  Gracious NO!  Another flat out saying they couldn't find the will to go on...  Again, society has brainwashed us to believe only by obtaining certain things in life will we ever be happy.  What a lie!!!

First off, divorce should not be an option. Unfortunately, having children is not in God's plan for everyone. Why? We may never know.  But we have to be able to accept these things to move forward and cherish our marriage. Society puts alot of demands on a couples that are not true. Having children does not always make a happy marriage. You two together can make a happy marriage. Yes, adoption is always an option. If you feel that is what God wants you to do. But it is OK to not have children. 

Does it still hurt? Yes, sometimes. But you and your spouse can be so happy, thriving on each others love, it can fill the void you once had. God gives us marriage to complete each other.  If I keep reaching out for a child, something that isn't in the cards for me, then I neglect and damage my husband, our love, our marriage...  Am I telling him HE is not enough???

That is so true...  by neglecting a spouse, you are telling them they are not enough.  

Yes, we WILL and DO go through grief, depression, hurt, pain, everything...  But at the end of the day - we have to stand up, dust ourselves off, cherish and love our spouse.  Never taking for granted their love and the life you have.