Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Most people do not realize that CNBC involves mourning.  Whether a person looses a child to an accident, to a disease, to a miscarriage, to anything...  our hearts still mourn that life.  I have had a very difficult couple of years learning to deal with this emotion. 

I mourn everyday.  Does it get any easier?  Maybe.  Some days.  I guess that's why I pray a lot for peace in my heart.  Some days mourning is screaming into my pillow, some days it's taking a long quite walk, some days it's being strong for Lawrence, and some days it's him being strong for me. 

But what makes it hurt worse is people who don't understand, and never will.  They have children.  They can never understand, even though they say they do, what we are going through.  And through that ignorance, (as Webster puts it "lack of knowledge"), some people say the stupidest things.  Hurtful, insensitive, rude, selfish, or asinine.  (Webster again "foolish, unintelligent, or silly, stupid").

We have heard them all!  But what breaks my heart even more, is hearing and know it's happened to new comers to CNBC.  I take a lot for myself, but it breaks my heart to know they will go through this.  

I've said this before and I'll say it again.  The best thing a friend can do is sit down next to me, listening to the silence, the birds chirping, and find comfort in that silence.  They don't feel the need to fill it with empty words,  as Daddy says. "talking to hear their head rattle".  It shows they are there for me...   no matter what.  

I have lost quite a few people because they don't know what to say to me, or because I don't fit in their little social circle of mothers.  "She doesn't have kids so we don't need to invite her." 

I pray tonight for newcomers to CNBC...  I won't fool you, it's not easy being CNBC.  But I will tell you, you are not alone.