Sunday, December 16, 2012

Adding to the family, our way...

I last said that, "No, I might not have a child in my house... but I have so many in my life."  That is so true 

We added another child to our 'home' this weekend.  No, I am not talking about our four-legged children...  but a beautiful little girl.  Last year we were honored to accept the great responsibility of being God-Parents to our friend's three children, and last night we were asked to be God-Parents for another little girl.  

This is not something we take lightly, and no one should.  We are never guaranteed tomorrow, and we pray to never see our home needed in this aspect...  But it is with great honor to accept these parents trust.  

What's the big deal many ask?  It's not just agreeing to take a child if the worst should happen.  It's understanding & honoring the parents wishes for how they want their child raised.  These two families believe we will follow in their footsteps and continue the love and strong home they now give their children.

Thank you........  Thank you both for giving us this amazing honor. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I heard a wonderful quote the other night...  

"God didn't let me have kids 
so everybody's kids could be mine" ~ Dolly Parton

So here's mine....

"No I might not have a child in my house...  
but I have sooooo many in my life!" ~  Jenny

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

When we think we're strong...

When we think we're strong, the emotions creep up on you when you least expect it.   Either I have been handling it well or hiding everything under the rug.  I'm not sure which right now. 

I haven't seen the movie Steel Magnolias in a LONG time...  Saw it on tonight and thought, "What the heck, let's watch that!"  I don't think I made it in the first 30 mins without turning it off.  If anyone remembers the first hair salon scene they discuss (and have to deal with) Shelby's health which results in her infertility.  I couldn't watch any more.  I just couldn't deal with it tonight. 

It doesn't help Lawrence isn't here.  The night I just need a hug from him...  But he can't help it.  (He's working...)

Normally, even right now late at night, I go upstairs and gently wake him just saying, "I need a hug".  He never questions me as to why, what matters most is the hug first. 

Does CNBC get any easier?  Nope.    Are some days better than others?  Yes.    Is tonight?  No. 

Sunday, August 12, 2012

There is always something to post about...

There is always something to post about...  but whether it's uncomfortable or not, that's another story.  Talking about the uncomfortable is what this blog is for. It has been a while since I posted, but that doesn't mean nothing has happened.  It usually just means, I haven't found the strength yet to talk about it. 

Has anything changed?  No, not really.  We're still here, my health is so so...  we don't have any plans, and we still talk to people about CNBC.  One thing though, I write mostly about how CNBC affects me.  I show my emotions so much more than Lawrence.  But he showed them recently.  He is much braver than I am. 

This year, I escaped church on Mother's Day and went downstairs to take care of the nursery.  I think that's the only way I could have handled it, I certainly could not have been in service.  Because of my own feelings, not anyone else's.  But on Father's Day, Lawrence only said one thing about the day.  For him to say something, it bothered him.  (I won't share it here, that's his place...)

So often, we are strong for far too long.  When we finally let it get to us, does it ever.  The emotions have hit me a few times lately.  Seeing a foster child in need or up for adoption - but then realizing my health isn't up to it.   That hurts... 

I was asked recently for an update on here, so this is it.  Not much lately, nothing new, the same old same old society that makes you feel like you amount to nothing because you don't have children.  Yup.  I said that.  It's true. 


Saturday, June 2, 2012

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Well said. 

People ask often "what are we doing about our infertility" or "are we considering..."  this and that...  adoption, foster, treatment, etc...  But no one asks if we are happy being just the two of us. 

I guess that is what we have been focusing on this past year.  Us. 

Society tells us that it's not enough, but guess what.  It is.  It's more than enough.  Our relationship is weird to most people.  We want to spend time with each other, can't get enough it.  We use to work together, go to lunch together, drive home together, spend all evening, and not get tired of each other.  Today we wish we still were able to spend that much time together. 

It's ok to be just "us".  I don't know if that will change in the future, but right now, I am happy with what we have.  Yes, I had planned and dreamed things to be different, but if I don't let go - I won't appreciate what we have now, and what is waiting for us ahead... 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I am sorry to have to address this, but I need to let some people know what is appropriate to comment on here and what is not.  I have the security settings pretty high for this site, having to approve every comment.  Now I am very thankful for that setting this week.

This blog/site is open to the public, that's the way I want it to be.  But it does not need to be abused with foul language, harsh comments or extreme venting.  A few nights ago, I received multiple comments for approval that were exactly that.  Cussing will not be approved by any means, harsh language or insults will not be tolerated, and goodness knows I understand we need to vent sometimes - but it needs to be kept in check. 

I will not disclose who tried to post these comments, but for their reference and any others in the future - please be respectful of us and others on here.  Your language is not welcome.  We try to encourage on here, not enrage.  Any comments like that will not be approved and posted. 

Thank you all for your support and sharing this CNBC blog with people in your lives.  People keep coming to me, thanking me for the support and strength this site gives them - the strength knowing that it's ok to speak up.  Hugs to you all, and we look forward to another year sharing this journey.  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Another year has gone by...

Looking back at last year's post, it's interesting to see where we are now.  This time last year we were being asked to be considered for a private adoption (which fell through on the child's family's side), my health was better than it is now, and we were still accepting our new found place in life with CNBC.  A year later?  Depression has come and gone, acceptance has set in, and we are trying to learn to be content with what we have been given. 

Many people have spoke to me, thanking me for this blog, for the strength to speak about infertility and CNBC.  We have reached over 1000 people and even into other countries.  That's amazing!  But also sad.  Sad that we have to fight for the right not to have children in today's society (whether we want to or not).  Society makes people believe we have to have children to be a real woman, or we are worth nothing and we are inadequate if we don't have children.  THAT IS ALL A LIE! 

To some people or families it means everything to have a 'blood' child.  Some of us are scared that our families won't accept an adopted child.  Sad, sad, sad....   

Some of us are told that we are not mothers and shouldn't care about mother's day, because our child passed away.  Are you kidding me?!?!?! 

Where am I going with all of this?  These are true instances that have happened to women recently.  What can we do about it?  Nothing?  No.  You can help me by honoring a woman in your life.  A woman who you know has lost a child, young or old.  A woman who you know is a mother to the children at church.  A woman who doesn't have a child in this life, but is an encouragement to younger women around her. 

Honor her, write her a letter, give her a note, a card...  Encourage her.  Love her...  remind her how much she is loved and appreciated.    Make this Mother's Day special for a CNBC lady in your life...

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Do we or don't we?

Do we or don't we?  It's questions in every day life.  It's the question of do you wear blue today?  Do you eat chicken or steak today?  Every day we question what the next step and/or path is for our lives. 

For me the question still is in the back of my mind of do we or don't we foster/adopt.  Then I have a bad day.  Well not just one day.  My health takes a down turn.  And those days I feel I have my answer... 

Would my health handle having a child in the house?  I don't know. 

It's been a while since I have written to you all, that's because my health was going down hill and I didn't know what to write.  The one thing I have been doing different is that I have made a type of business card...  A card with this website on it and our explanation on it.  It is so much easier to talk about it and give the person a card with the website on it.  So far the responses have been positive, still so many thankful for sharing a difficult subject in life. 

Thank you all for sharing our life with CNBC, and those who share and forward this site on, thank you!  Sometimes I feel it's pointless, or lived-out, but then I find a person who hasn't had the strength to talk about it before.  Who we give strength to.  Someone who has been talked down to this week for not having children, now has the strength to calmly speak up.  To know that they themselves have the strength...  to talk about being Childless Not By Choice.

Friday, February 3, 2012


Recently I had a wonderful talk with a lady I met at the gym.  She heard me say something about not having children, and wanted to thank me for speaking up.  That her and her husband are also going through infertility and that it was nice to find someone else open about going through it.  I really enjoyed chatting with her and shared our thoughts on adoption. 

It's hard to find affordable adoption options.  Yes her/we can afford to support a child in our household, but to put 15-20,000 upfront to an agency is impossible.  We're not going to mortgage our lives and create horrible debt, just to struggle once the child is here.

But I wanted to share with those reading this as I shared with her, a state option of adopting foster children without the huge costs.  She was very happy to get this information, which made me think, others might also.

Now to my loved ones, don't get excited....  at this time we are not considering adoption.  We promise to let you know if we do, smiles.........

Right now I am happy with my god-children (love you S&M) and my god-pets (love you Suzy.  Yes folks, I have been asked to be god-parent for her pets)...  and our furry-children.  Belle says 'hi".

Love to you all...  thank you for still learning about CNBC.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A New Year...

What will this new year bring?  I have no clue!  But that's the good thing about it.  We have spent this last year struggling with this news in our life.  For me it's been a year of battling depression and trying to find my new place here.  I am so thankful for a husband that 'holds on for the ride' through all my ups and downs. 

Recently I have been able to talk to quite a few families about CNBC, ours and their own struggles, the reasons for being CNBC (child's death, medical, choice, etc...) and it keeps amazing me how many people are affected by it.  One recently thanked me for speaking up about it because it was an encouragement for her to hear someone else dealing with it.  So many women and men feel alone in this fight.

Recently we were blessed with friends honoring us to be their children's God parents.  Not just an 'awww that's sweet' gesture, but an honest "you are the ones we would trust to raise our children as we do" honor.  What an awesome feeling.  What awesome friends.  No, we might not have our own two-legged children; but the way we live our lives and love children is still seen. 

The question still comes up alot, why don't we adopt or foster.  I don't know.  Maybe we will in the future, but if we don't, that's ok too.  That's a whole other post for another day.

Back to what this year will bring?  I still have no clue.  But that's the fun of it!  Learning to enjoy each day that we are blessed with and continue to educate about CNBC.  Thank you all for following us here...