Sunday, April 10, 2016

Did we make the wrong choice?

Yesterday I asked my husband a difficult question.  "Did we make the wrong decision in not pursuing adoption?"  I do not think he saw that question coming!  But he answered it heartfelt and honestly.  "No."  The full answer could go many different ways, but he answered it the most reassuring and comforting way it has ever been put to me.

"No."  And here is why...  In our lives we have had many ups and downs, but God has always given us a definitive answer as to our path(s).  We have never been without, we have always been blessed with what we needed and taken care of.  (Now I am not saying we got everything we 'wanted'.  But we have always had what we 'needed'.  That is a huge difference.)

But this is one 'want' that has not been given.  Childbearing has not been a part of our lives.  BOOM.  THERE. I. SAID. IT.  Am I being punished?  No.  Have I been neglected?  No.  Did God answer a prayer?  Yes.

What?  How could 'no' be an answer to something so big?!?!

God has given us so many answers in our life that made us see CNBC as a definitive answer.  A reassuring answer.  When life changes, moves, jobs and more are all answered - and answered to benefit our lives.  (Again I say they might not be WHAT we want, but were taken care of.)  How can I look at CNBC and not see how God answered us?  To be content with where we are, Childless Not By Choice, it's Ok...

To find peace in our lives we have to accept what we need rather than what we want.  Does it still hurt?  My lands YES!  Am I ok with it?  Yes.  Do I thank God for it?  Yes.  Does it hurt?  Yes...  Is it comforting?  yes...

Some people might not like this answer.  Mainly because they feel or want full control of their lives.  How can God not give me what I want?  The purpose in life is to praise God, not my happiness.  And yes, I continue to praise God through being CNCB, Childless Not By Choice.

(Sadly, not 10 minutes after writing this today I was confronted by a lady who's only care was if I had children.  And after finding out we didn't, she didn't know how to speak to us...  We slowly, sadly walked away...  again, not worthy in society's eye.)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


One day I feel that I am slowly climbing the ladder, making steps mentally to stay above this diagnosis, then I get knocked back down.  Disqualified.  That's a new label/name for me.  

I received a phone call today from my cardiologist, that they are doing a study on the affects of adult congenital heart disease on child-bearing age women.  Would I be interested?  That I qualify for the study.

SURE!  Anything to help understand the problems women with heart problems face.  

The lady on the phone said she had reviewed my file and they had deemed me eligible.  Fine.  So we start chatting and I explained how my cardiologist, in THEIR office...  helped me find an fertility doctor, but sadly we have been diagnosed with infertility.

Her voice got really soft and she said "Oh....  You don't have children?"  

"Uhhmm, no.  That's what my file says."

She then looks at my file again, and finds where it shows I have no children.  She is sorry but I am disqualified.  

Yes, I wish she had done her job better and looked at my file fully before 'qualifying' me.    No, I did not yell at her.  My voice got soft and I thanked her calling anyways, goodbye.  

I pray she looks fully at the files before she calls the next person, just because we are 'of age' doesn't mean we have children.  

"Disqualified".  I'm going to curl up in my blanket fort for a while.