This morning I found myself sitting in church dreading the upcoming year, another Mother's day. (Yes, it's only November.) I don't know why. Remember, I said some days are good and some are bad... I caught myself watching a mother with two little girls on her lap, and thinking how I would quietly be absent on Mother's Day this year. That's sad and wrong of me, but that is where I am at right now.
It could be the holiday season fast approaching. I worry that I am annoying or bothering our friends with children, bugging them about spending time with them. Unfortunately I am stuck in the depression side of CNBC right now. Holidays can be depressing. I handled it pretty well last year, but this year is another story. I don't want to always post the 'happy go lucky' side, I want to post the real side of Childless Not By Choice.
It hurts. It freaking hurts.
I might be the Grinch this year and keep to myself. I keep trying to tell myself what I preach, "Holidays can be depressing, who do we share them with? We share them with ourselves and with God."
We can find ways to be happy and have a good Christmas, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.
Christmas is the worst time of year for me, too.
ReplyDeleteI think Christmas, holidays in general are hard for many people. If you have lost a loved one, if your marriage has broken apart, if you are having financial trouble, if you are ill... Holidays just highlight these feelings. I hope, however, that it wasn't as bad as you feared and that you are open to all the good that can come your way in the New Year!!! Hugs! There is certainly sadness that comes with being CNBC, but I think that there is also certainly the possibility of transformation and of actually seeing good in becoming "child free".
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