Sunday, August 16, 2015

Who am I?

There are times in my life that I am at peace with not having children or being CNBC - but then there are times you feel like something is missing.  Trying to understand where the feeling is coming from is difficult, if not impossible.  Is it society?  God?  Human selfishness?

Did I miss God's calling in a small window I had to conceive?  Am I feeling society's pressure?  Is it my own human selfishness in my deep motherly instincts?

For a while I can be at peace with where God has me in life, I spend time with other people's kids - feeling fulfilled, feeling motherly, feel like I made a difference.  Then there are the times I second guess, I feel like I have failed.  I feel like there is a void in my life.

Am I suppose to make more of a difference in a child's life?  I come home from work and hug the dog, love on the cat...  but then they go back to sleep and I am sitting here alone.  I feel I still have more to give at the end of the day.

Am I wasting my life?  Am I selfish in not sharing my life by not having a child?  I want to say 'stuff-it'.  To kick these feelings in the can and again find peace in where.

Then the whispers start again...

"You are not enough."  
"You are not a mother."
"You have failed."
"You are not complete."
"You are NOT, NOT, NOT...."

They get louder and louder.  As my pastor said today, "We live in a culture that celebrates WHAT people do and not WHO they are."  I have done a lot in life!  Worked corporate, owned homes, small businesses and more.

But WHO am I?  I am a christian.  I am a wife, a friend, a supporter, an encouragement to people in my life, an aunt and more...  None of this society thinks or an illness diagnosis can take away from me.  We have to learn to be a light in the darkness of this society who want to make you into their mold.  YOU ARE YOU.  YOU, are not what society says you have to be.

I am NOT a soccer mom of three kids, I AM ME.  And that's ok...  I am not a stereotype.

But...  da da da dummm....   Does an understanding and acceptance of yourself make it any easier to deal with the daily flack from society?  I don't know.  Does it make it easier when an older lady asks if you have children and you say "No".  She answers the stereotypical "well you are young, you still have time".  Softly I answer, "I am sorry, but I am infertile and cannot have children."  Uggghhhh.

The conversation stopped.  She didn't know how to speak to me after that.  Because I hadn't accomplished what she & society felt I should.  She didn't know how to speak to me.  She couldn't see ME & WHO I WAS.  Only what I hadn't done.

Please don't look at people by what they have DONE - It doesn't make WHO they really are.

I love, I give, I care, I cry, I feel....    


  1. Jenny, you not only have gifts to are a GIFT. You are a special person with much to GIVE just by your being. Your path is YOUR path, your journey. And do not apologize to anyone for not having children. Never say "I'm sorry, but....". Who knows where the future will lead? And you are, present tense, accomplished. The present moment is all you have. Please, give yourself a hug for all the wonderful things you are in this moment..................You are a very special being.

  2. I was talking to my best friend yesterday, the only good friend I have who also is married but has no children, and quite frankly one of only a handful of couples in my circle of friends/acquaintances who is also married but has no children. She is at peace with this aspect of her life, whereas I struggle. She truly feels like this is the life God wants for her and reminded me that God does not call all of us to the same things, even when we feel He should have. I tell other people this, but struggle to accept it myself. One of my latest observations is that it has become more acceptable to be a single parent, for whatever reason, than to be married with no children. This is particularly true in the church. I actually don't have anyone in my life who makes me feel bad in any way for not having children. When people ask, I simply tell them about my chronic illnesses and lack of energy for a child, and that answer has always been honestly accepted and topic dropped. I have no problem giving that answer, but am in fact, at one of those times where I feel that emptiness of not having children, wondering why this is the life God has for me (and I do believe it is). As always, thank you for the courage in sharing your heart.

  3. Having been where you are I can honestly say that it does get easier over time; however, there are those moments that wrench your heart and make you wonder if you could have done more or something different. Sometimes, I believe, God has you where you are because he needs all of your energy focused on His will, i. e. being a mentor/mother/leader to someone else's child. It might not be what we want but it may be exactly what that child needs. It is hard sometimes when you want part of your identity to be 'mother' but as we grow older we learn more about who we are and what God means for us to be. I pray that you continue to be that important person in the lives of children around you and that it gives you peace and joy in your walk with God. One thing is certain, you are a treasure to all who know you, whether child or adult:).

  4. This was very beautifully written, I can relate on so many levels. "She couldn't see ME & WHO I WAS. Only what I hadn't done." That was very powerful, I've had many of those moments through the years but haven't thought about it like this. Great perspective.

    So often I feel as if I am finally having a little bit of peace with this CNBC journey I'm on...and then something happens and I get thrust back into those same I being selfish? Am I not complete? Am I failure because I am not a mother? Anyways, just know you are not alone!

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  6. Thanks- You whenever I sign on to write my own thoughts on infertility you seem to speak to my heart. You are enough through Christ who strengthens you.