"It is well with my soul"......... Who's 'fault' is it? Part 2

Part 2 - Who's 'fault' is it?  (If you didn't read the last post, you might want to go back and catch up before taking this one on.)

Tonight God really spoke to me through our music leader at church, a friend...  He explained the history to the song "It Is Well With My Soul".  The gentleman who wrote that song lost part of his family who went on a ship ahead of him on the crossing the atlantic.  The ship was lost at sea.  When he made the voyage later, he wrote this song during his crossing... 

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul..."
"...Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul."

We go through so many struggles and pain in life, yet we have to find a way to keep going, to be able to say, "It is well with my soul."  To accept the path our lives have taken, to be ok with it...  No, I didn't say it was going to be easy.  And no, I haven't mastered it yet, or will I ever...  But next time I am in doubt..  I will recite these words...   "It is well, it is well with my soul...  Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul".

Thank you to a church who doesn't mind me balling my eyes out while singing... ~Jenny

~It Is Well With My Soul
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul...
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control.
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!  My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:  If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, the sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel!  Oh, voice of the Lord!  Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
It is well, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul...
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, It is well with my soul..."

Who's 'fault' is it?

So who's 'fault' is it?  No ones...  but some days you question that. 

That has been my emotion this week.  I don't know if Lawrence has realized it, but I changed how I have been answering people who ask about us having children.  After diagnosis, my first response was "we cannot have children"...  but for some reason I have changed it now to "I cannot have children".  I seemed to have taken the responsibilty for it.  Because it IS me.  It's MY 'plumbing' that is not working.  And you do seem to feel responsibile.  No, there is nothing that I could have done to change things, it just happened.  But deep down in you feel a let down, you feel that you failed.  You feel you failed the family and friends that put so much weight on having children. 

How do I get past this emotion?  I don't know yet. 

Here's getting a little personal...  A few years ago, on a beautiful afternoon drive, Lawrence out of the blue turned to me and said "I think it's time we started trying."  I swear if I would have been driving we would have wrecked.  For him to say that...  was a huge moment in our lives. We were so happy, the world & our lives were going so right... 

It took us about another 3 years before we finally were pushed enough to pursue clinical answers.  And now, to have to look that man in the eyes and admit something inside of me is failing him...  that brings tears to my eyes every time.  No he would never say or feel that I am failure, but that is what I feel. 

How do I get past this?  I still don't know...  maybe one day I'll find the answer.

No this blog isn't to be a 'pity party' or 'poor poor me'.  But it is a voice, trying to understand the emotions, the ups and downs of this journey.  Thank you for choosing to ride this roller coaster with me/us...