So who's 'fault' is it? No ones... but some days you question that.
That has been my emotion this week. I don't know if Lawrence has realized it, but I changed how I have been answering people who ask about us having children. After diagnosis, my first response was "we cannot have children"... but for some reason I have changed it now to "I cannot have children". I seemed to have taken the responsibilty for it. Because it IS me. It's MY 'plumbing' that is not working. And you do seem to feel responsibile. No, there is nothing that I could have done to change things, it just happened. But deep down in you feel a let down, you feel that you failed. You feel you failed the family and friends that put so much weight on having children.
How do I get past this emotion? I don't know yet.
Here's getting a little personal... A few years ago, on a beautiful afternoon drive, Lawrence out of the blue turned to me and said "I think it's time we started trying." I swear if I would have been driving we would have wrecked. For him to say that... was a huge moment in our lives. We were so happy, the world & our lives were going so right...
It took us about another 3 years before we finally were pushed enough to pursue clinical answers. And now, to have to look that man in the eyes and admit something inside of me is failing him... that brings tears to my eyes every time. No he would never say or feel that I am failure, but that is what I feel.
How do I get past this? I still don't know... maybe one day I'll find the answer.
No this blog isn't to be a 'pity party' or 'poor poor me'. But it is a voice, trying to understand the emotions, the ups and downs of this journey. Thank you for choosing to ride this roller coaster with me/us...
Dear Jenny.
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault. You know the saying, "love others as you love yourself"? I think it works the other way around too, that as you give comfort and love to those around you, you too must love yourself, and allow God to love you. You wouldn't go berating another spouse if it was something about them that makes things "not work", would you? I suspect you might want to comfort them, and tell them that it's not their fault, and that perhaps God may use this difficulty as a way to show them another purpose.... So, it's important to remember this yourself.
Praying for you and Lawrence..
DDG
Jenny, I have been where you are now. It was my fault also. There is a deep rooted, genetically woven....responsibility ? that the woman bears the child. Having a child would have been an honor, to OUR lives. I was lucky, I got to experience pregnancy, the excitement, the worry, and the death. For a year I looked at my stomach as a casket and felt disgust. You will rise above the voices in your head and you will see that God didn't plan for every female on this Earth to bear children. Love you. Kim
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