Coping? Some days...

Am I coping with being infertile?  Some days I do, some days I don't.  Today is one of those 'not coping' days.

We usually escape town or lay low for Mother's Day.  I just can't handle it.  There, I admit it.  But this year we can't, I have a promise to some pretty amazing youth to teach their Sunday School class - and I can't let them down.  I might crawl under a rock afterwards - but for that hour, they will brighten my day and be 'my' kids.

I feel so bad though, nothing my husband does right now can make this any better.  He can't fix it.  Every hour my eyes fill with tears but I do my best to hide it.  Hiding it is becoming harder and harder, he noticed it tonight.

Strangely I found a little solace in pulling weeds this evening...  I know, I'm crazy!  He was nearby woodworking and I sat there pulling weeds, loving on my garden. 

So tonight when I couldn't hold it together any longer, I had strong feeling to go out in the garden!  Yes, it was 11pm, I am sure my neighbors think I was hiding a body.  I turned the spotlights on, pulled back the netting over my herb garden and started to dig.  Did it make things better?  I don't know.  Did I stop crying?  Yes.  I gave my love to something else, to plants, to my love of gardening, to my cats, to my home. 

Some days are good, some days are not....

Time is flying by...

Time is flying by...  has it been a year since I posted?  Wow....   Has being CNBC become any easier?  No.  Have I learned to love my life?  YES. 

Even though we are not blessed with children, we accept God's will for our lives.  I am not resentful.  I am not upset with God.  Sure, I still feel disappointment or even jealousy sometimes.  But that does not mean I do not trust God's path in my life.  It's a daily challenge and a conscious frame of mind. 

The love I get from the children around us, the children we care for in our lives, our strong marriage and our ever strong faith in God is what pushes me every day. 

Is it easy?  No!  Is it for everyone?  No. 

But finding God's peace in our walk in life is key.  Putting our faith in His path - even if it is without children directly in our lives - is how I walk with my head held high and love for every child who wraps their arms around my neck every week. 

Here is to all the children, too many to name, who KNOW they are my babies!!!!  My loved littles, my loved big kids, and know would go to the ends of the earth for them. 

Prayers and hugs...