The Balancing Act...

The great balancing act....  (honesty post here...)

How do you balance being joyful for your mother and the other mother's in your life on Mother's Day, yet deep down inside feel horrible for yourself?

Honestly, I feel like crap inside right now.  I am not asking for sympathy or any one to pity me.  But it's the truth.  This Mother's Day is not the easiest for me, I feel like crap emotionally, but I want to rejoice and find joy in the mother's around me, especially my own.

It is not their fault I can't have children.  So why can't I feel more joy?  Why do I want to hide in the house this weekend and curl up in a ball?

I don't have the answer.

Please excuse me while I disappear this weekend, no offense to any one and I send my love to all the mother's around me....

"Infertility is like a spectator sport.  I feel like I am the only one in the bleachers watching everyone else play, because I am unqualified to join the team."  Meredith Hodge

How I feel inside today... ~Jenny

BAM!!! Hit the wall...

We are doing well, doing well, doing well, doing well.....  

BAM!!!!!   Hit the wall.

So often with not having children, out of no where comes the emotions, depression, doubt and every thing hitting you all at once.  But I was doing good!?!?!  What happened???  Prayers for strength tonight accepting our choices and position in life (Childless Not By Choice), praying and accepting "it is well with my soul"....  

BAM!!!!   Who threw that wall out there again?

Tonight is one of those nights that I feel someone is beating me with a baseball bat of emotions.  Questioning "Why not me?"  "Why can't I have a child?"  "Is this what you really want for me God?"  Oh my lands I just questioned God!!!  Yeah.  And deep down I still hear and repeat to myself the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul".

I may not like it, I may have to learn to be content with it, but it is well with my soul.

I still trust HIS will for my life and accept that there are things I cannot see or understand.

New Traditions

Finally, we have started to discover what we NEED in our lives to fill the voids CNBC creates and the disappointments in life.  In years past we have tried to be the normal family with preparations for the holidays:  stockings, Christmas trees, decorations, presents, baking cookies, etc.  I am not saying these are bad things!  Yet this year we tailored them to our needs, not what society says they have to be.

A smaller tree on the dining room table, cards received under the tree instead of presents, stockings and other ornaments hung in the window, just enough cookies baked to give away...  We enjoyed the smaller decorations so much more!

For me the few weeks leading up to Christmas can feel very lonely.  Not having the family we imagined and hoped for can be very depressing this time of year.  A time of year that should be joyous!  So what did we change this year beyond smaller decorations?  WE LEFT TOWN!!!  Ahhhh!  We left town?!?!  How could we?  Easy.

Leaving town the few days leading up to Christmas was the best decision we have made in a long time.  We were gifted with two nights away and chose to take them the 23rd & 24th, at first not realizing how important those two days were.  Removing ourselves from the days building up to Christmas released us from the expectations of society and stress.  We concentrated on ourselves, not the world.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven't sat there staring at the tree feeling like something was missing.  Why dwell on what we cannot have?  Why not rejoice in our blessings of an amazing marriage?  We can celebrate each other and create new traditions for our little family.

We quickly decided this will be a new tradition for us that we want to continue.

Stepping away from a time and habit that depresses me and meeting new people, seeing new places, and thriving in our blessed marriage has opened my eyes.

People may not understand, family might balk, but it is time to take care of ME.

I pray many of you find this peace in 2017.  It is alright to stop and take care of yourself, to step away from societies traditions and pursue joy in life - not dwelling on things we cannot change.