I have been biting my tongue for too long.
Every day we deal with comments from strangers, friends and even family - why don't we have children. In today's society of medical advances, people don't realize how common it really is for some couples not be able to concieve. And when they do find out, it's easy to to throw out suggestions of why don't you do invitro, why don't you adopt, etc... But they don't realize the costs associated with these options, invitro 'starts' at $17,000. Then you have the offers of friends (bless their hearts) to be a surrogate. Only to tell them that involves invitro...
This blog is our voice...
To combat the screams inside of us, when people take their own lives and children for granted, when you open that random box that we were saving for the nursery... To cry with friends, and finally give a voice to our grieving. And yes, it is grieving.
We welcome strangers, friends, anyone who wishes to follow us, join us, love us in this new journey of our lives.
I know how you feel, even though we finally were able to have a child. We were married for fifteen years when I got pregnant. We had tried everything, and had been approved for adoption. I lost that child.
ReplyDeleteWe were going to try in-vitro, but I left the doctors office in tears when he told me I wasn't even a good candidate for that either. This is after several surgeries, fertility drugs and shots etc. I felt like I was going insane!
What mad me angriest though was when strangers looked at me and my age and asked, Why don't you have any kids, or you better get busy with having children. some of this from my own family! We have a retail business where I am face to face with a lot of people everyday. Some come in, especially in the summer time, complaining about their children, and say they can't wait for them to go back to school so they will be out of their hair. I want to say so bad, "Well what the hell did you have them for then?" It makes me feel like they don't appreciate or enjoy the children that they were blessed with.
Yes, it is grieving. It is grieving the loss of a possible future, a dream for a life. It is grieving the loss of family. It is grieving the loss of fitting into the world around you that is full of "happy" families, and laughing children. It is grieving the loss of normal. It is an ongoing grief, that will escalate at certain times of life, and seemingly settle, only to be brought back to the surface by what may seem a well meaning comment or question. It is, to be honest, a grief that does not truly settle into the acceptance that others may expect it to, when it has not been brought up in conversation for some time. Is it only through joy though, that I understand and love others? It has been my grief, and my losses, as much as my joys and celebrations, that have taught me to know and love others. Would I trade that grief even with its understanding for the joy? Oh yes. But in that grief, I also live, and learn, and grow. And know. You are not alone, not ever alone. Not in this any more or less than anything else.
ReplyDeleteLawrence & Jenny..I am right now in this same situation as you have described here. I too have vented on my blog. I am grieving right now and would like to understand how you are dealing with your situation. Hugs
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