Am I thankful for CNBC?...

Am I thankful to be CNBC?...  That's a hard question.  I have to look back and wonder what if things had turned out different.  What if...  they didn't catch my heart problems when they did, and it would have killed me and/or a baby.  What if...  having a baby years ago would have trapped me in a marriage I didn't belong in.  What if...  what if...  Would I trade not having it for what I have now? 

What am I thankful for?  For a husband that walks this path with me everyday.  Who holds me up when life gets too much to bear.  Who can see the pain welling up inside me from any distance, who runs over and catches me in his arms before the first tear hits the floor.  Who knows.  Who hurts right along beside me.

Who laughs.  He laughs at our love, our joys, our daily ups and downs.  Who gives me such joy everyday.  Who never gives me fear - only joy, laughter... oh the laughter! 

Would I trade not having CNBC for what I have now?  No...  not if it meant changing or giving up what we have together.  And if that means no children, that's alright, we will live each day laughing and loving...

Love to you all. 

What defines a family?

What defines a family?  Just because we don't have children, doesn't mean we aren't a family.  But some people see it that way.  We don't...

Just because you share your love with something that doesn't share your name, doesn't mean it's not love. 

Belle, the basset hound who knows when I am having a bad day and lays in bed with me...
Ladie, the eldery terrier who needs my love, caress, and guidance to live out her life...
Tripod, the cat who kisses me on the forehead and loves Lawrence beyond belief...
Red, the chicken who loves to be held, talked to, comes to the window to get me to come out and spend time with her...
My niece, who knows my little grin and how much I love her... 
The little girl at church tonight who came running in and instead of going to her family, took my open arms and crawled up in my lap to quietly sit through a service.  Folded her hands with mine for prayer, who hugs and loves me. 

It's ok that we aren't the typical 'family'.  Mine give me more love every day than I could ever ask for....

How often do we try too hard?

I have listened to quite a few families/people recently who question what are they to do.  *A family being pressured to have more children (they have one little boy they tried desperately for and was blessed with, only now to be pressured about giving him siblings, but no thoughts are given to the difficulty they had to concieve him...)  *A family praying on whether to foster or not...  *A family considering adoption, the list can go on...

We are not sure what lies ahead for us right now, just following God's will one day at a time.  Sometimes in life we try so hard for something, but in the end it could be that we are fighting against God's will to pursue our own. 

Paul said "I have learned to be content in any situation", we need to sit back and see that life isn't always what 'we' thought it should be.  We need to look forward at what God wants us to be.  So often we need to sit back and contemplate our motives, what is really pushing us, and consider is that His path.  Always remember, what ever we do we must glorify God, and we cannot do that if we are pursueing only our own will.  Even Christ said to God, "Not My will, but Your's be done."

Thank you all for joining us on the journey...  it continues day by day.

Stand in her shoes...

This has been on my heart to write for a while.  But I trust these posts happen in God's time, not mine.  They get posted when He knows someone needs to hear it. 

Please try to stand in someone with CNBC's shoes for a few minutes.... 

Imagine this: 
You are just talking with a stranger, a family member, friend, an 'un-taught' person.  And the questions come like they always do...  "Why no children?"  "Why not?"  "You should."  etc...   You gently explain CNBC and the struggle to conceive.  Or you brush their questions aside not wanting to deal with it today.  But....  little does that person know, days prior you had a misscarriage. Or you took a pregnancy test for the 100th time, to only see it negative.  Or your period came again, even though you had had been trying...   Quietly you turn away from the questioner, slowly walking away...

Can you imagine that?  Many of you don't have to imagine it.  I'm not alone.  We're not alone.  You're not alone...

A dear friend recently wrote me that they were pregnant.  She wanted to tell me, even though they weren't telling anyone else for a while.  They had been struggling for years with treatment also.  I was so thrilled for them.  But a week or so later....  I got another letter.  She had lost it.  I wanted to climb through the computer....  I wanted to hold her sooooo bad.  I just balled and cried my eyes out for her.  She reassured me they were alright with it.  But my heart hurt for weeks for her. 

We forget so often of these women and men, these families.  All we can do is to keep educating about Childless Not By Choice.  I still have trouble understanding the people who don't or can't fathom not being able to have a child.  They are out there...  slowly but surely, we will gently reach these people.